Catch Up Episode

Here i am, dropping yet another note bout the weekend. A couple of things i've noticed... there are :

1. I cant play snooker for nuTS anymore.
2. I missed the old times.
3. I STILL like Jace's car....
4. I dont like my car....
5. I STILL lovE looking for thrills on the road.
6. I still like bein in Jace's car.
7. Mistakes are forgiven because one cant live without a companion.
8. I am still an idiot.
9. I realised that animals can cross breed, thus,THE PIGALATOR
10. I have nothing much left to say.
11. That's my weekend.

That'S a RaP folks....ciow

i got a hair cut...hehe

Demoralized

It's strange why, of all nights, tonight, i lost my motivation to study.As much as i keep forcing myself to get to the books and read up, I couldnt do it. Suddenly i felt like, i couldnt be BoThEred bout the paper tomoro. Bad. A very bad sign indeed. Completely at the wrong time to feel like not doing something. I keep telling myself, "hEy, its a second chance. I can finally catch up with the rest without feeling left out" But right at the last minute, it all crumbles.As if giving up hope on life or something. This sucks. I DO want to finish this. I DO, want to have my classmates as my classmates again. But why? Why this... why now? Stupid questions I should only be the one who can give the answer. But im the one asking. This is what you call gEnuine dumbness. I make yself siCk sometimes, Like some pathetic thing that deserves to be StoMped upon. ArgHh!

I hate it. I shouldnt have let my parents talk me into doing this. I should have started something that i prefered. But that's a lil wee bit too late for all these complaints now isnt it? I havent been honest with MYSELF. But here it is. Im not meant to do this.I dont like it and i will not be able to make it through. I never though i could. First sem? i was lucky to scrape through. This time? the bEst of luck wont make change a thing.Now i ReALLY understand why seniors keep asking me to get outta this course. I feel the pain man. Sigh....I guess i should go. Try to get SOME marks instead of walking outta the hall with only 2-3 marks outta 100. see ya.

Nuts

An array of emotions in a hub of a made believe titan. Feeling in control but yet, losing it. I'll always be that...incompetent lil impish person.It's sick, how im doin the same shit. A megalomanic in the making, because im bound to......the infestation of thoughts in my mind. @^#$&#^#$&;#%&.... I must be tired. See...this is why study is not good for me. I go craZy. stupid programming.

I took a 2 hours drive today...if only we had longer highways. I should go to bed now. May, where are u?

Gone The Sun

If anyone could relate to me bout the " hAtE of invaDEd privacy" would be flabby.Ever had someone DIggEd tooOO deep into your life? up to the point that your fuckingdecisions in life is their "rEsponsibility"?. MOther FuckEr....I didnt live to be toldwhat to do okAy? I mean yea...as a friend, you wanna show that you care, that's fine.You wanna Nag and scold me bout smoking, that fine. But DONT you fucking force me to do it.WHy did u think everyone else just let things be? Because this are all decisions of an individual,and no matter what you say, you cant expect me to change just because you put an effort to it.HEll... putting effort into something DoESnt mean that you MUST succeed. You say, "bear with the nagging"Hell, then I say.... "bear with me smoking!" You cant change jAckshit, if I dont want to. Im 19 this year damit...not 1 year and 9 months.

WHo ever said harshness will change things for the better? C'mon man, it wont. My patience was tested last night, listening to you drill my ThiCk skull and realising that you were beginning to INVaDe my life. In addition to that, I watched you slappEd the fuck outta my buddy. What the fuck was that for man? As if slapping the hell outta her would slap the habit as well...Then why dont you juz SHoOT me to death so that you'll never have to see me smoke again? InsaNE.YES....i neither did not Do anything back in return because i ReSpEcted u.Because as a friend, i cant just swing my hand ovEr smack you.and i was Shoving my mind with COnSoling words saying that you did it because you cared...because you cared...because you cared.I merely swallowed it all down.But now, all respect for you is...simply....gone. WHy? because a person like u, which i though would have much more space in the head to do some thinking, turns out woRSe than ME.You asked me, "what do i have to say?". What the fuck do u want me to SAy? After witnessing that slap....im just speechless.Im dissapointed.. i truly am.

I didnt go out last night to get all thAt shit. I went out to see a FRIEND that i have not seen in a while.I just dont feel like seeing you now....not anytime soon.

Every Parting Is death, As Every Reunion Is heaven.

Something woke me up early this morning and kept me awake. Was awaken by the thought of people leaving and i have to say, im deeply disturbed by it. It started bit by bit, when people started leaving, and as i read other blogs bout their friends leaving, i felt the pinch in my heart knowing that i'll be facing the same situation soon enough. The conversation with Flabby inflicted even more thoughts bout this more than ever. How im not ready to go or watch her go. The emotional send offs at the airport....the tears in your eyes, as you bid your good byes i realized, are only temporary. What seemed to worry me most is not letting them go at that moment. It's not knowing how things will be like in the future. What if you bid good bye today as the bEstest of friends, but return with NothiNg?What if that hug was the last hug? Getting used to the days without your best buddies are gonna be such a pain...3 to 4 years is too far down the road to say anything now. What will it be like then? Will the closest people to you be replaced? The group of poeple that you go for yum cha sessions, will they still be the same?

How blissful it was being a young and naive teenager, not having to worry about anything more than to excel in your studies and be a good kid to your parents. How blissful it was to say goodbye to your friends knowing that in a matter of a few more hours, you WILL see them again...How we never understood the meaning of the word.."goodbye". Now? Good byes only meant parting for a long time....weekS? months? yEArs?ONce you board that plane... there's no turning back. A new life awaits you. And so we stand, at this platform together for the last time... and the circle gets smaller as one by one leaves...walks away into their own path...what lies ahead of the path? another platform for us to meet again? I can only hope.

Im saying this because, though i dont go around telling them i love them, i just hope they do know that. I hope things will never have to change ToO much, though i know, changes are expected. I have the best bunch of EEdiot friends and a Mad Flabby pig. Possibly the bEST idiots and pig i'll EvEr meet in my lifetime. What will my days be without them? If only i knew when and where we would be, so that i would know how to say good bye. Flabby...you and I will bE continents apart! GoD you're gonna be far away.

From the depths of my soul, this is who I am.And who I am, is all that I could give you.
"I love you
Not only for what you are
But for what I am
When I am with you."

A Little Voice

OkAy...so i've come to finally conclude that... no matter how much i try to explain certain things, I wouldnt get people to see things the way I thought i could make them see. Basically, i cant change the way they think. Changing someone's thoughts bout simple things maybe easy, but to change something that they believe in, is different. Debatable topics....why debatable, because it's simply between what I believe and what They believe. This will never end. What will it become?? more serious and then....cybEr WW3...all for nothing. As much as i DON'T agree with things that was said, to hell with it.... i quit. As much as im frustrated with that kid... i shall waste my energy no more, argueing with someone whose hAiRs downsouth just began to say "hELLo". Im sick and tired of people discriminating these shits.... but hEy....that's what makes the world go round. Fuck it.

While i sit here and rant bout things that dont go well.... i cant do jackshit bout it. Who am i? Im me... someone who cant even pass my math paper. Who will hear me out? My juniors will spit at my stupidity and cast me out. You think i've given up trying to defend discriminated people? I've not...im not. bEcause i cant make things right. I just can never seem to understand Why or How....Doesnt matter right? i mean, the world would look at me now and say..."Why bother to defend and argue over things like that?" But if not a souls cares, this already SiCK society will become... a monopoly of the "NormAL" people and everyone else that doesnt seem to fit in much,will be spAt upon and cast aside. Why cant everyone ever live in acceptance of others? Be it, retarded or not, straight or not...deformed or something, hEll even convicted people should have second chances. As if ALL of us here has NEvEr made a mistake. What the hell....Why make other people's life so miserable while you're sitting down sipping on coffee giving slaps to your head, insulting when someone else may be hurting deep inside? They are who they are... cant they at least be respected for being themselves?Dont they have feelings too?

Anyway,I dont even know where im getting to at this point. Dont think any of my sentences make much or any sense at all. I just got tired of doin math and though of taking it out on the blog. Now that im done... thAnk u for your time. Blogs ARE the best listeners. So long.

Poverty Of Judgement

I wasnt gonna say anything or comment any further bout being....crookEd, until there was almoSt a WAR in between 2 blogs i've just read. And honeStly... the comments, the words used to describe and defend the way thAt mothEr fucker who thinks he's right burned a hole in my heart. And that pisSed me off. Who are you to judge whether THiS is wrong or right? Just because the law forbids gay marriage? That does not prove that it's wrong. WHo made the laws? Us. People. WHY? because majority of the people are dating the opposite sex. But does that mean that dating the opposite sex is right? What if dating the same sex was more common than dating the other? then wouldnt it be right? Im not saying at this point that it is RIGHT.... but whats so wrong bout it?

If shooting funny looks and giving *slaps to the head* is not discriminating, then what is? isnt it the same as goin around and saying to a black guy "Omg...i cant see him in the dark"?. Hell yEAh, it's downright discriminating. What makes you capable of doing that? What makes you think you're superior enough to shoot those looks and say those things? WHat in the hell makes you think that you're so right and WELL in the head that you think crooked people needs YOUR help? What makes you think that being in a Straight or what YOU call normal relationship has any more sincerity and love than a gay relationship? That obnoxious! Then there's no democracy at ALL in our society. You people are just oblivious of your surroundings. How can you say that you’re even trying to help when you're discriminating. Does it mean that saying that u cant see the black guy in the dark makes him fairer and clearer to your eyes? NO. So how can the silly thoughts and words of people who never learnt how to accept or will nEVeR learn to REspEct the "NON- Right" relationship will ever help? kISs my ass.

So what if they can never love someone from the opposite sex again? So what? That is their decision to make and No onE should interfere. What becomes, becomes. And your thoughts and words, should never be seen or heard just because YoU object. If you cant imagine yourself in a gay relationship then DonT. Who the fuck forces you to anyway? Just like if crooked people cant imagine themselves with the opposite sex, Why SHouLd they? Why should they force themselves to like something they're not interested in? Why should they live up to YOUR expectations? WHy should they, in the first place even THINK like you do? Like trash? is that what is expected of everyone? To hell with it.

How could some people be SO judgmental? Young and naive and you want to tell the world about your idea of thE "pErfEct" relationship?? Please.... go learn to deal with Your own flaws before judging others. Pathetic.

Different

Looks like this year is a somewhat Different year for me. Watched different kinda show,did different kinda things and today, a different kinda day. Unlike my usual lEpak-till-I-die saturdays, I dedicated my entire afternoon and night to....tEmpLe. Was in temple from....2.20 onwards[Late due to sOMe reasons...] till late night.Just came back from my first ReaL meal today. Reason why I was in temple? in the afternoon was the practice, and at night, we all headed down to Stadium Negara for this Dhamma assembly prayers for the tsunami victims. Dont i sound SupEr holy now? IndeeD. When we first arrived at the scene, I was thinking..."sHIt..this place looks ToOoo holy for me". With all the big pictures of Buddha as the background of the stage and Buddhist songs playing....and furthermore, I was there with Sunday Dhamma School people...I was just....stonnEd. Like...what the hell am I doing in a place like this? I am in the wrong part of K.L.

So... last minute practices..mic tests and all, the event soon began. Started with SHit ass Boring Speeches which were moStLy in chinese...[That made it worse]. Wait... actually i dont remember which one came first.... We singing or the speeches. But anyway..the speeches is Sucky as uSuaL and we did Pretty well I think? hehe.OkAy... the main event was the prayers, of course. TonnEs of monks attended.[Not tonnes la..just...many.] Then the praying session began. In the beginning it was...er....boRing, coz i couldnt understand a single JAcKShiT they were saying, and Surprisingly...I cought up in the end..StrangE huh? and YES..I was chanting together with them.Even stranger? haha. But it was good. It didnt bore me in the end. At least, I felt I was a part of the ceremony. And played a part of being a Buddhist follower.

okAy..this may be my longest post describing ONE event ever. Hell....I'm proud of it. Plus i did my MATH homework in the mamak today as well.... DoublE HELL yEah...! Am I a changed person? lets see.....but you all DO realise that these are only just words. And words...dont mean a thing to me. lol. gooD nights.

True

Nothing much happened today...went for a movie with Flabby, Amanda and Sasha. Watched Phantom Of The Opera. Was kinda a new thing for me, coz i have not seen thiS kinda movie. Was Pretty interesting at the beginning, with all the singing and dancing and i think it would be a nice play if it's real, instead of watching it on screen, coz it was a lil too long for me. It isnt too bad, really.

Besides doing nothing much and watching the movie... this song... managed to creep into my head, and it got stuck there.....and i can't ShUt it off. Just thAT chorus part....gRr.

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true
Ryan cabrera - true

i've been sitting here,
for far too long,
in the mundanity of my mind.
Haunted by the echoing voices that would NOT leave,
I dont deny, im fractured,
Broken by hopes and dreams,
And I, I will never be the same

If I can change... why cant my MinD change?

Same Old Brand New Story

Today, the day where things resume for me. The sleeping hours, the early wake ups...I felt the dread last night when I came home knowing that it will be my last day of freedom and this morning when I had to kICk myself outta bed. College began today, and I arrived....late. I couldnt get myself outta bed because I couldnt get myself into bed last nite. Despite turning off the lights and forcing myself to sleep. I ended up doing "acrobats" in bed. Rolling all over but still not able to get myself to sleep. Not until 3 something I think. God knows.

Anyway, registration today was crap. The programme office was jAm packed full of pEople everywhere. Everyone was too busy with everyoNE. So, I just took my timetable, and left without registering my subjects. Fuck it. I'll do it tomoro. After getting my things done, I went for a movie with my classmates...I should be calling them my college mates now...since they're no longer my classmates. Sigh. I left for home after the movie. Im hAlf grounded....due to my lack of performance in the last semester resulting in failure to complete math and programming. This time, I am paying for it. OkAy.... I know im wrong Alright? I've made my mistakes and I DO want to start over again, I know I can’t erase the things I’ve done. No where to run. I just hope that im NOt cAgEd like a DOg....or I WILL go mad.

I missed going back to temple. Missed carrying stuff around and Missed it even MORe being on top of 40ft trailers and being in 20ft containers. Though I missed my chance to be in a 40ft one. But 20ft is still good. We ALL had some frEE muscle toning sessions. For the past one week, I felt that im at lEAST physically FIT. Though I know im never really physically fit anyway. [Hell, I’ve never worked out in a gym okAy???] Now.... im just gonna go back to being lazy and gradually return to being....well.... CHuBby.

So....this is it... im gonna have to go and pack up and get ready for tomoro's class. bEcause.... I cant find my stationeries...I cant find my note pad... and I don’t remember what I need to bring to college. Which...is kinda bad. So...yea.... good nights.

Boiler

What the fuck is wrong with today?? Did the entire world go on a mission to PiSS me off??? I was nicely helping out in temple when My moThEr fucKing piece oF shit bitch of a mom started scReaming over the phone mAking hell alot of fuss bout going to college and settle all the fees and shit. HeLLo...i can do it on Monday when i go to college..WhAt the hell's the big deal? And Why the FucK does she need to Scream over the phone about it? God DAmiT... i feel likE WrAngling her to death. Not to mention she rushed me back here and she's nicely Dyeing her Fucking hair. Im telling you, by the time i get to college, they're gonna close for lunch. Just wait.Then i would wish that I could just tuRn around and SLAP thE FUCK outta her. Bloody WOmAN!

She's fucking worse than the tsunami......I swear...i look at her for another 10 mins, im looking at my own grave. She's doing EvErything she can to make me boil even more. No chance to let me cool down and there she goes again, doing or saying something pIssing off. AND THEN BLAMES me for being ruDe... o.O???? WhAt in The bluE hell did i do to this...HELL-FOrSAken monster? bArGhH!! I just wanna go back to temple and work my ass off without saying a thing! At lEast bags of rice and boxes dont piss me off.....

Apologies for the crude post..... im not in the mood.... good byE

Regretful Nut

A new year begins....and a new life begins as well. It's as if Im starting college all over again. The last time college began... I had to deal with starting college without a good friend of mine. This time, I have to deal with starting college withoUt my entire classmates. Lets just say, I deserved it. I was given a second chance to make things right, but I blew it. Obviously thinking that doing it the second time, I would succeed this time. Im still stunned and stonnEd bout not getting it through it. So this time, I’ll have to give it my ALL. I've decided to stop my degree course and focus on finishing the rest of the subjects that I had not passed. It's a decision I made because this time, if I were to blow it again, there will be no turning back. Im thankful, but yet, not too happy bout it. It’s just me. To hell with it.

I wish that some BiG rock or something would hit me hard on my head so that I would know how to change. Maybe I should be in one of those countries hit by the tsunami. bWAgRAhH... (%^*$^&... college will begin on the 10th of January for me....sigh.... I feel sorry.. to whom im sorry to, I dont know.... I just feel sorry. Sorry to those who have helped me I guess. What the hell..... this is a good time to make this change, my new year's resolution huh? just have to make sure I DO keep it this time.Talk about helping others... I cant even help myself.

Anyone happen to know where I can get tuition for programming? If there's any.....lemme know plz.??? desperate now.

sigh....ciows

Accident In Paradise

Lend a hand to help the needy. A little bit is never too little to receive nor is it too much to give. Dont be too selfish. Imagine what it's like to be the victims of that disaster. People say, pray for them, pray for those whose life has passed and those who lost loved ones. But what does prayers really do? As if prayers would help those who are starving, or wounded. What they need is all the physical help they can get. Food and medical supply.

Times like these are torturous to me because I know I am but a weAk human. As much as I feel that I have given is never enough. Doesnt even seem like it's a drop in a river, talk about the ocean. Why am I blogging at this time? Because I’ve simply worked my muscles to the max and imp unable to move my pathetic body. Stupid counterpain doesnt even work this time. I cant really bend over to pick up anything more than 4kg. Just that I didn't wanna admit it. .

The Halls are ALL filled up to the mAXXxxx....anymore it will bReAk the ceilings. Now I know what’s it like to be or...woRk in a harbour. At times it is pretty Stressing, but mostly it's quite fun. Which is why, I dont mind going back to help out... Hey... I dont get paid to do this ookAy? It’s voluntary work straight from the heart, and im glad I could lend a hand.

Anyway, anyone who reads this...Any tom, dick and harry who wanna contribute something to the disaster, go over to the Buddhist Vihara, 123 Jalan Berhala, Brickfields, Kuala Lumpur. Obviously at THIS time.... more man power is needed.Sigh....I wish my muscles weren't SO freAking weak. DAmit