Honored

Who'd ever thought that i would even have a celebration for my silly 18th birthday? Wat do you know? juz celebrated it for the second time today.Big surprise...it turned out to be. Had NO idea bout it at all thanks to the wonderful mind of my dear friend who nevEr seize to Amaze me [or mayb im juz EASILY tricked..which i know everyone will agree]. i Was NEvER more surprised so many times in a day before. Im just......lost for words. nEver more happy than tonight and never more thAnkful .Thank YOu ALL for suprising me...and another 10000000 more thank yous to thE pigGie.LovE u loTS

i was hit with sudden thoughts that seemed to force itself into my head tonight. I realized that life, is like cooking a dish.And emotions are like spices to make it have more colors...more taste.Not everyone who cooks the same dish will have the saMe taste. Even when the same person cooks it..it differs from time to time. sometimes it doesnt turn out as good...sometimes it turns out just right.SomEtimes, some people get lucky, they manage to produce a nice tasting dish by accident. And we...we are the people that eats the dish. How we view life and how we view the dish differs from one person to another.Some may find it satisfying enough eventhough it's not really thAt good.Some cant stand the taste eventhough its pErfeCt.Everytime we tasted something good, we always have something to compare to.You want to strive to get the better tasting food, but if u dont get to find it,ur not satisfied.but to people who has tasted ShitS...mud..rotten food. A plain dish with not much of colour and taste would seem almost like a five star meal to them.

"To desire is To Suffer". If we could give out ALL of our love and not expect anything back in return, however still feel happy... happy that you could give it all to make a difference...make someone happier,someone's life better, go through hardship but not for your own benefit....thats what i see...as the meaning of love.Love is......Undeniably sublime. Its not only love to a significant person..but to everyone.Love is often viewed as bad, becAuSe you jus simply dont get wat u want back.simple. Love as many people as possible...and dont expect anything back, except to see them smile with happiness and laugh with joy.

Jigsaw Puzzle

Faith..What is faith? Sick of all the faith. Faith to face a better day? Faith to feel better? Fuck it all. I dont even have faith to complete my course....dont have faith to sleep well.Losing my will to turn over to a new leaf before i could even turn over.How stupid. i WisH i knew what im feeling. Im a different person by day, and another by night. As if light changes my personality. Im swept off my feet, and im MAD again.

Im pretending that i feel alright. "NothIng's bothering me. Im fine. it's juz a mood swing".yEA... keep telling myself that, i juSt might change Huh? I can feel the four walls are closing in on me, putting pressure on my hEAd...i can feel the rush.Place my hand on my head and i can hear it say,"It's gonna BloW!! it's gonna BloW!!".And what do i do? i stonE around, coz im helpless and it's driving me craZy.Hypothesis, i hAve bad moodswing when nIghTbreaks.Insane solution??...would be Locking me up in a room where there will be sunlight for the wholeday, regardless of whether it's day or night. Conclusion, i will be saved again.

All throughout my life..i've never seen myself this craZy. "An adult should have developed conventional reasoning at the age of 13 and up"-Kohlberg's model of moral development. And i..i cant reason.With the reason, i think im having a mental breakdown.If according to the Maslow Hierachy,self-actualization-No self actualization of what im born to do. Esteem,-No esteem because i DO feel inferior,weak and helpless.Love,affection and belongingness,-I cannot escape my longing to belong.Safety,-I dont feel safe..from myself.Physiological,-Not hEAlthy..losing my appetite and depriving of biological needs. My hierachy is the kinda hierachy of a person living in mental institutions. but..ThiS is mE... when the lights go out.

I thought i dread mornings....but i find.. that i dread the nights even more. tHe stress has got hold of me.I cant let go. and im giving in. See me here...what has become of me? "who are you?", i point to my reflection.

The Worse for Wear

tEAr down the roof, tEAR down the GoD damn wall. Breakthrough the doors, SMash thE fucking windows.Smack me in the face with a frying pan. break me. SLAP mE. Shoot me with tranquilizer. ANYTHING!!! Let me be calm again. Im assaulted. by my own head.gOd damn, make the bangings in my head stOP!SuddenLy i feel so Angry...miXed with rage...frustration. i CAnt seem to do anything to change It. i seem helpless..towards my OWN emotion, as if too tiny and weak to do anything.

I know im probably just piSSed off coz i know im losing. im fighthing with time, and im gonna lose.Knowing that i may not finish aLL of my assignments in time is one thing. I cant finD my assignment question is another thing. Waking up after a SHORT nap that made me feel like shit is also AnotHer thing.What thE hELL is wrong with me? i KNow, its Stupid to get all agitated over small lil matters like this.i Know it, but i just cant help it. it's worst than trying to solve a mind boggling case. I AM the mind boggling thing.i Have a headache.."go get some rest" i hear. Get up and continue my work in the morning?. i DreaD the mornings. For every morning im beginning to feel worse everyday. i Dread it because i know it's another day at college, another day closer to the dateline, Another day which brings another piece of work, anothEr day that i feel lost during lectures and another day of realizing that i might fail my finals.

i Rant alot tonight. i think if this goes on, we'll all just sit and watch how long i can battle for sanity. ARGHh..!!WhatEver that's invaDing my hEad...GEt THE fuCK Out and lEAve me alone! FUCK OFFF!!!!!

Flawed

Something's Undeniably wrong with me today. Exhaustion came and stayed through out the WhoLe day...not to mention including night and it just wont go away. Fought to stay awake during programming class..not like it made much of a difference...eye lids were too heavy. Even after coming home to take a nap, it seemed to get worse.As if the stupid hang over came back again. Argh..dont feel like eating either. Sigh...im just stoned.

My mind is ScreAming to move, but my body is denying it's signals..ignoring its cries. Old memories Echoing the corners of my head,sounding like EviL, cruel laughs.And i want to move, i wanna break free,but only the lil tiny squeaks slips out. Feel like im standing on top of a big piece of ice thats slowly cracking. And sOmEthing caused me to stonE, as if something SO unbelievable or scary, i Froze, instead of turning around and run for my life.The ice breaks away,the sound of my heavy breathing drowns out the sound of the calm water...im left stranded on the ice and im floating away.Float to where? i dont know.

I sat at the table. Eyeing my dinner.Stomach's growling, i want to eat,but i just cant eat. So i just sat,looming at everything. I lie in bed, stare at the ceiling. whats hapening to me?Another mood? A split personnality? Multiple Personallity disorder? i am what i am, but im not what i am. What am i saying...?

Legally...ovErdosed

juSt came back from my one night stay at genting. hAd an AweSomE time there, bbq with the few ppl who are closest to my heart. Every action has a reaction. haha hAd so much fun last nite, today i get to StonE the whole day suffering in silence the consequences of partying too hard. Right..im finally LEgal. Dont make mE do bad things..i can go to jail now....though in many people's eyes im still 1 year and 8 months instead of 18 years. i had aloT more than expected. Its nice not to expect anything in someways. Like Siddharta Gautama said "to desire is to suffer". Im just glad that things turned out the way it did. May not be the bESt thing that could happen to a person, but i Couldnt ask for more.my heart took a picture. it is a day indeed unforgettable.A bIG thANk you to all who made it happen.i love you all

A Child's Cry

Something getting onto me today.Feeling alil Edgy.i guess i cant be left alone the whole day.Makes mE think too much.As much as i want to be alone doin my own things without the consent of others, i cant be left alone for too long. im beginning to contradict myself.Something's bothering me...the ironic thing is...i dont know what it is.How irritAting.Sigh... the best things HAS to happen at the bESt times. Cigarette prices is Hitting the roof. Time to let the habit slip?? BigGer sigh.....

Had a nice time talking bout topics WoRth talking bout today... what else? the future. How adultHood is coming head on to us whether we want it or not.God damn SOn of a bitch time slipping by so Fast i Havent even got the grip that im 18 in a week and in another 4 months i've got to look into the mirror and expect to look at a 19year old idiot who hasnt done anything worth living for yet.At least today's conversation motivated me in someways that i have not seen it before.Im glad indeed that i could look at the SicK pilE of workload and see a brighter side of it now. Forgive me for all the times i've neglected my work and things that i shouLD have taken into consideration before making a decision. Education may NEvEr be too late..however, im still feeling the regret as i watch all my hopEs n dreams slip away like water in my hands.Sometimes im stUpiD enogh Not to see how We could change the way we live. i gave in too much into bElieving that my life was at the mercy of the relentless word called "Life".Life is noT..juSt like that. It could be something else..jUSt that im TOO bliND to see beyond it.As StupID and blind as i can be,the conversation today have sparked somEthing new in me. At lEAst, after today, i could look forward to a new goal. A goal not only set to be accomplished by me, but by all 5 of us who HOpE and wish.. that our "Empire" will someday be built. The day when i could look back and laugh at suCh a miserable life i lived in before, how Worthless it was to live off your parents support. The day when i shall rant bout life no more. WhEn all the bitChing stops. That day i will wait.

tOmorrow i shall set to run away into the mountains away from the land that rendered me helpless. A holiday that i THInk i deserve. Just a one day break from all the nonsense here.Going to the same place twice in the same week wouldnt kiLL. juSt might improve my driving skills. hopEfully, i'll get my tanggled up mind straighten. a chEap affordable holiday,Genting's just the right place to be. TO all of my friends who are having exams this whoLE week... wish u all the luck you need. i love you all.

The Effects Of Blog Deprivation

AhHh...YAY!!!finally...i can type something here. God knows what happened to my blog.Kept me away from blogging for the past...dont remember how many days. okay... back to reality. Im on holiday now. 1 week away from college. Happy?? not really. not that i miss college.. nor the work..im actually having more work than ever.Looks like holiday aint so much a holiday for me...SigH.Work loads have been piling up mountains high and it doesnt seem to be getting any less. goSh...i'm never gonna stop RAnting bout it. hehe.

Hmm... am i getting old or am i juz losing the feel to do anything..? weekends..dont feel like doin anything much. Sitting on a quiet hilltop with No onE around you with afew of your good friends seem to be the best choise, birthday..dont feel like doing anything as well...juSt mayb a smALL dinner or somesort.instead of going crazy head banging or listening to the hustle footsteps and people's screams or being in the middle of a biG crowd that smothers the life outta you, Just the company of some close friends in a place where we can all sit down and talk is reALLy good enough. i Wonder why...? i never used to be like this. I uSed to feed on the noise and havoc around me in order to have...a "goOd night". hEh...but now.. things are different. Not that im deproved of fun and excitement, just dont feel like doin it.hmm.. i muSt be getting old.. hehe =) or not....im just being a GoOod kid.

See...this is what happens when im not allowed to POSt anything for..some time. Gila abit.

tata.

"caramel stick"

Everything works their own way. If all is brought together,confusion will be caused.
For Every gram of odinary stuff that we see, there are several grams of UnSeen matters.

Where does consciousness come from? How does those Funny looking electrical patterns in our brains allows us to feel and have thoughts? And y cant other things have feelings and thoughts? Y cant the electrical currents cause the fridge to movE...or the comp to talk back? hEh...no Answers to it huh? Nobody knows...I really Would like to know. Imagine what you could accomplish with those knowledge. Probably the ability to control you emotions, your movements, your thoughts...EveryThing..since, every goD damn thing is controlled by the Wantan looking thing. Science...a field i had always HopEd to be a part of...though that dream has fade away, A fan of science, i would always be... So..SomE sMarty pAnts out there pLese work hard to solve these FunNy questions man..coz i aint never gonna have the chance to figure it out.

The wantan looking thing....filled with oVerlapping layers and layers of ceLLs..bloOD...all kinDS of NonsEnse....hoW does it differ from one to another? How does that make each and every individual different? How am i different from you..from the muRderers..from the robbers...from the kiDs across the streets.?? iF i were to EAT someone's bRaIns would i be like them?LOL.

MUrDer.What causes a person to kill??Besides being caused by preasure, accidents. Especially Serials.WHat makes them...them?We cause suffering...death to our own kind more than any other thing sharing this piece of land we call home...and yet we are not so pertubed by the presence of EACh other.Depsite knowing how dangerous one can be, we largely endure the presence of every human, taking them as a part of our lives without thinking twice if they would ever cHange.

Im asking SooO many questions that are unanswerable at this momEnt that is Almost causing my double helix to tWist into SOme...pretzel which CoulD possibly turn me into SOmeonE else...hmm...gEniuS maybe? =)

Maybe my hEad is currently full of.."caramel sticks". My dear biG buDdy offered to make me onE....and world record size. haha...im just nuTs at the moment..might have some electrical ShoCk somewhere in my wantan. So..there... another tRash talk by lil chubby...

cioWs...im off to watch movie while waiting in anticipation for my "caramel stick".

Deoxyribonucleic Acid

Fight for the lASt bit of sanity...they say. Well...i lOokEd more like im fighting FOr insanity. Y does the mind have to Wonder Huh? AnYWay...fuck it all... i Giv up pOndering on all these Unanswerable bullshit that is Eager to drive me to a one-way street DoWn insanity lane. Go AwaY....LEt all the madness be gonE.

hEy..guess what..? we're all made up of SUgar, phosphoric acid and some nitrogen-containing bases. And..for some reason, thEse..funny miXtures determines our biological structure.These WonDerful SUgars...acid and nitrogen Stuff stores our genetic information. Deoxyribonucleic Acid...not only determines your physical outlook...but also mentality. Means...SomEwhere along the line...i am the way i am because of my parents. because of certain genes inherited From them.Although Alot of other surrounding elements causes our behaviour to change.IntEresting. SO nExt time...if you dont like me...come dig out my DNA n kill that part that you dont like okAy? nAhh im juz kidding...if you dont like me...biTE me. hEHhe..I wonder what kinda Sugar turned me into......thiS? LOL.

Actually i kINDa forgot what i wanted to SAy..... =_=" Aih....SOmEthing muSt have been Eating up my SugAr!! lEaving me insufficient space to store my mEmories...DAng it... =) Mayb im high on sugar tonite... cant stop thinking bout NonsenSe...probably partial of my brains cells have been mutated into Some other sort of....something. im beginning to think that im not the cause of Who i am...

Why are you taking away what you gave to me in the first place? Why are u willing to giv it to me...but not wiling to let me keep it?Why tell me you trust me but you dont?Why look at me like im everyone else?....Why

Endless

okAy...so yEs..indeed i felt better today...yesterday must have been those kinda emotional days...a sudden load of weight that i felt i couldnt take. Not that i could feel anymore emotions today compared to yesterday...but at least..im oVer SuLking bout being empty at the mean time..fuck it...i say.I Doubt it will stay away for long...soon enough..i'll see the SamE damN scene all over again...A walking contradiction...im soon to become. I dont know if it's good or bad...but i dont Seem boThEred to care bout it.So what right? So what? DrOp the shit topic....let it be.

Today...Wednesday morning saw me aLmost dying of stomach pain. Didnt know what happend...not too sure if it was my breakfast or gastric.Whatever that was...it huRt reaL bad.Thank goodness it didnt last THAT long...was just an agonizing hour and i was Me again. oRaits...tomoro...moral studies test...gotta go now n read up some notes.

gooD nite all.

To Desire Is To Suffer. To suffer the cause of gEtting what you desire and to suffer the cause of the unfulfilled desire.

Empty Tank

it's been quite awhile... but im juz finally saying it...finally feeling ReaLLy damn sick n tired of being me....mayb im juz bORed...bored. it's like im fighting for sumthimg... but i dont know what im fighting for.as for now... i am Neither happy.... nor sad. im juz empty. Like a tank...empty tank. a tank that's empty not because it has Holes in it... but empty because there's juz nothing in it.

mayb it's juz tonight...im feeling not right.

mayb it's juz today...and tomoro it will all go away.

mayb.....just mayb