Watching The Candle Flicker Out

its 2am, and I'm feeling alil gray. Theres something about the quiet city at night that is haunting. It makes me think about every possible thing (damnit it has to be when I'm back in Melbourne all alone). More often than not, it brings out the deeply disturbed side of me. All of my insecurities come out to haunt me. They play around my mind like kids on a carousel, laughing as they go around. The more I listen to their laughter, the more I succumb to their evilness. All these voices in my head clouding me from the truth, making me skeptical of reality. What do I know about reality? The only thing that I know of is that I'm never good enough for anyone and I'm worth nothing. This is not something I've felt today or yesterday. This is something I've felt my whole life. I hate it... I hate it with all my heart. I wish I'm not so fucking insecure.

I admit. I put up a strong front to ignore the problem. But when the problem is within you, there is no running away from. I'm just a broken piece of glass, breaking off into smaller pieces from time to time. I hate myself for what I am and I hate how its affecting the other parts of my life. I'm pissed off at MYSELF, now aint that fun?

My mind is choking up and my tears are devouring my soul. Please help me stop this. Wake me up and tell me this is not true.

I'm up for a junkyard sale. I'm broken but might still function pretty well after some repairs, any takers?

NO, but seriously....

I need a damn shrink.

You're In My Mind, You're In My Heart

Sometimes.... my dog drives me more than just up the wall. Most of the time, it is when I come home expecting that we'll be happy to see each other.. and INSTEAD, I find that while I was away, he was happily destroying my things. This is an example of what he does in 2 hours....

brought down my dvds from the rack....

EATS THEM UP!!!!

its a good thing that I sorta "arranged" the DVDs from the ones I like best which is on the highest shelf and the ones that I like least at the bottom. Unfortunately... I do not update the arrangements.

And I guess too much plastic isnt much fun as well....he had to nibble my dvd rack as well. Sigh... why dog... whyyyy? I should start keeping a list of things that he has destroyed. sigh sigh sighhhh... Ok... enough ranting. Next update should be a happy one.. HAppPPpy Merdeka!

I Am Damaged At Best

I remember now, why I loved my solitary lifestyle back then. Its the pain of losing the things that are close to you or people that are dear to you. You sit there quietly watching time slowly take away everything, watch it all drift away from you. Its that pain that I, up till now, cant seem to accept. Why are people so difficult to depend on? The probability of things changing is so complex, the risks are so high...The winning pot may be beautiful but the losing end, is so unbearable. But its a choice, it was MY choice. Maybe I made a mistake, am I paying for it now?

I know, routine changes, habit evolves. It may have been insignificant to me when I was back here because I dont see the big difference,because I was part of that change as well. Have I become invisible?.... or has it always been that way? I'm struggling not to think this way, not to be selfish. I still want to call this place home. I want to feel happy coming back here, to the familiar smell, the familiar faces, familiar sights and sounds. I cant keep coming back here and feel that I'm losing bit by bit of everything that I've ever known.

I'm a person of extreme low self-esteem. I know, I need alot to feel good enough. I know I tried alot to be good enough. I wish it would be enough. And if that is not, then I dont know what else to be. I cant slip back into the dark state of mind, shine me a path, please? Trust me, I dont want to sit here curled in a freaking corner. I DO want to get back up on my feet, I just need somewhere to start. Give me the doors, and I will give you my decision.....

 

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

Lifehouse - Broken

My Love It Had So Many Empty Spaces

I feel certain emotions at the time when I need it the least. Right now, I feel like withdrawing myself from people. Its complicated and I dont really know how to put into words what I feel. There is this whole battle going on in my head about my decisions, about who I am and so much more. People all around me, makes a difference to me, friends enrich my life. But yet I cant seem to shake off this fear that I have towards them. All of these battles are making me weary. I'm really reallllyyyy tired of all these shit, thats probably the big motivation to just fuck off, get out of here and travel around. There has been NOTHING permanent in my life so far.. so why should I be the permanent one? 

I realized that I cannot keep anything too close to me. The only way I can be normal and casual is that I keep everyone at bay. No one enters the inner circle. That way, people can come and go as they like, and I wont feel the pinch. Sounds safe I guess...? Its been awhile since I last felt the way I do now. Maybe its something about coming back home and going through the same old routine. Maybe its just about me not being able to accept changes around me. I need to find a way to deal with this. I need to be a variable in life. I need to change. I dont mean to be an emotional retard here right now, but it has really been awhile, so give me a damn break. I'm so annoyed at myself feeling this way, its not even funny. It always starts from a small matter and one thing leads to another. I'm sitting down right here feeling fucked. But you know....theres always time and space to stop and take time to think things through, turn around and leave it all behind. Think....2009...I will think about doing something for myself instead.. of worrying about other things. If you want to make a change, always start from yourself, right? I'll try to see that through. thats all for now... just needed to let it out =) 

Another day turns into night

So...I finally handed in my Major Project proposal on Friday and...70% of the weight were off my shoulders. I have a lil bit of time before continuing on my next assignment. Need to get more sleep. I have been having a mild insomnia...probably due to the lack of sleep while I was rushing for that assignment. In 40 hours, I've only slept for about 2 hours, no kidding. But I think the record was higher, back in LUCT days. And because I'm stayin awake for so many hours, its making my mind wonder again. Its like an animal that broke out of a cage. Its crazzzzyyy! Well anyways, had some.....retail therapy today. haha. Ok, I'm not shopping because I'm emo. The exchange rate dropped! What a  great time to be buying all the things that I've wanted now! Still looking for my Kevin Lyons, hoping to spot somewhere that gives a good price, and ASAP!

Ok.. moving on to something else... I've recently downloaded this set. One of the sets of Armada Night, by Markus Schulz. Oh my, its WoNDEFUL! And if anyone is interested, I'm in the mood to share. The file is not too big so...Cliky here

And the tracklist for it is....

Markus Schulz

01. Markus Schulz - The New World (Remix)
02. Evgeny Bardyuzha - Bali (Remix)
03. Sia - Buttons (Markus Schulz Return To Coldharbour Dub)
04. Ali Wilson - Shakedown
05. 4 Strings - Take Me Away (Re-Ward Dub Mix)
06. Albert Vorne - Formenetera What (Gareth Emery Remix / Markus Schulz Big Room Reconstruction)
07. Rank 1 - Airwave (Remix)
08. Timmy & Tommy - Full Tiltin (Joint Operations Centre Remix)
09. Derelict - Rescue Me (Markus Schulz Big Room Reconstruction)
10. Gareth Emery vs. Delerium - This is Silence (Black Army Mashup)
11. Offer Nissim Featuring Maya - For Your Love (Sied Van Riel Remix / Markus Schulz Rework)
12. Arnej - They Always Come Back
13. Mark Knight & Funkagenda - Arena (MK's Very Clubby Mix)
14. Eurythmics vs. Ronski Speed - Space Dreams (Markus Schulz Mashup)

I hope u enjoyed it as much as I did. Those who know me well would probably know why I gave this set Extra points. =)

Edit: Sorry guysss... for those who did download from that link earlier, its the wrong file. That was for Armin's set instead. THiS ONE HERE is the the Markus Schulz set.haha sorrryyyy!!

Since I've uploaded the Armin's set instead... here's the tracklist for his set

Armin van Buuren

01. Armin Van Buuren Featuring Jaren - Unforgivable (First State Smooth Remix)
02. Mr. Sam Featuring Claud9 - Cygnes
03. ID
04. ID (Duderstadt)
05. Wippenberg - Chakalaka
06. ID
07. Ilya Soloviev & Paul Miller - Lover Summer (Orjan Nilsen Remix)
08. Sunlounger & Zara - Lost (Dance Version)
09. Kyau & Albert - Hide & Seek (Club Mix)
10. Stoneface & Terminal - Blueprint (Club Mix)
11. Jochen Miller vs. Armin Van Buuren Featuring Sharon Den Adel - In and Out of Connection (Armin Van Buuren Mashup)
12. Samara - Verano (Fast Distance Remix)
13. Giuseppe Ottaviani Featuring Stephan Pickup - No More Alone
14. Thomas Bronzwaer - Certitude
..::::: Interview with Markus Schulz :::::..
15. Armin Van Buuren Featuring Audrey Gallagher - Hold On To Me (John O'Callaghan Remix)
16. Tokugawas Drums vs. Quillroader - Mayan Sun (Josh Henriquez & Raver Remix)
17. Art of Trance - Madagascar (Richard Durand Remix)
18. Ferry Corsten vs. Prodigy - Smack My Radio Crash (Armin van Buuren Mashup)
19. 8 Wonders - The Return
20. Paul Van Dyk & Starkillers & Austin Leeds Featuring Ashley Tomberlin - New York City (Super8 & Tab Remix)
21. Lange Featuring Sarah Howells - Out of the Sky (Kyau & Albert Remix)

Take me away
A million miles away from here
Take me away
Find a place for you and me
You're taking me higher
High as I could be
Take me away
Forever you and me
Take me away

Tears I cried
Kept them all inside
I needed time
To make up my mind
[To make up my mind]

4 Strings - Take Me Away

If The Naked Eye Wont See

The city feels clean this time of night
Just empty streets and me walking home
To clear my head
I know it came as no surprise
I'm affected more than I had guessed
By what was said

If this loves not meant to be
If a hearts not ready to open
If the naked eye won't see
It's broken.

It's that quiet time before the dawn
And I'm half past making sense of it
Was I wrong?
Should I think to give it all
In a world where not much ever seems
To last long.

If this loves not meant to be
If a hearts not ready to open
If we make it i won't see
How it's broken.

Late Night Alumni - Empty Streets


Trance songs have a way of making me feel more depressed sometIMes, thanks to the crazy lyrics, planting thoughts in my head... just like today.I decided to walk home today,at 12am. During those times, trams take an awful long time to arrive at the stop. It sure was a long and not to mention quiet walk. 40minutes.Empty Streets, a perfect song to accompany me, while my head rummages through old memories and all the "What ifs".Got me thinking abit...I wont deny those thoughts did bring me down a little, but I guess, sometimes being able to feel this way, reassures me that I'm human. Sometimes I go through the days with no emotion, its like the days have gone to waste as I'm not feeling anything, I'm not feeling life. What is life, if there is no pain huh?

And then I arrived home, downloaded Grey's Anatomy and there was this bit about memory lost from an accident. And I was just thinking about....well,life and death. And I was checking out my calender and I realized its the 6th today. Its been 6 months since Andrew had passed, times flies huh? As compared to where you are, Andrew, I'm still here, I'm still the same. it just got me thinking, if I have lived my life. If I have contributed anything to life...If I have made amends and said what I wanted to say just in case it would be too late? Or should I even be keeping all those until the "time is right"? Should I be actually doing it all the time to avoid "unfinished business"? Should I be making an effort to leave behind the pride and shame and wear my emotions on my sleeve? Are the walls that I've built around me too high? Ultimately.. Does my existence mean anything? I can start a wholeee 4563456345page book bout questions on life and my purpose and why and how and all that crap... but that is gonna be insane, and it probably would never be published until...maybe the day I die. So, lets just leave it as it is. Daylight savings has started. I am now 3 hours ahead from home, in case anyone is interested to know. Its 5.10am here now and I cant sleep. Switchfoot's "on fire" no longer does the job. I need an alternative.

You’re An Open Invitation To A Heartache

Walking contradiction? I think I'm in that zone right now. You know the feeling.....when something triggers you to be happy, and yet at the same time, when reality sets in,that very same thing becomes a downer? When your emotions jumps from being able to crack a smile on your face to striking a panic moment? I'm sorta feeling that right now. And all of that is making me all mind fucked.... but the best part is that, I'm doing it to myself. Not anyone else. I know, this is not the first time its happening. I always kill myself with all those thoughts. But this is just strange. Its different. Maybe I feel that its different because I havent had much emotions in the past..... 2 years or so? I havent had to think much about the things that I'm doing or what kind of situation that I got myself into. Maybe I forgot how to handle all of that. Too used to being on auto-pilot, perhaps.

Who is to decide whats right and whats wrong for me? There are too many factors and too many variables, I cant do the math. Someone please, light the way for me? I'm ready to get out of the hole now. At least just....guide me to the doors, and the decisions, I will make them myself.

I think I must have gotten up from the wrong side of the bed.... been feeling all shITty the whole damn day....Shall go back to that bed and tomorrow, would be a better day. Nights.

Only Your Desire To Set Me Free

Got caught up in my own thoughts today. I think the whole storyline for my video has gotten into me again. Everything I thought about in the recent few days was about choices and consequences. Choices determines your destiny and it is what makes a person who they are today. Some choices does not solely affects the person who made the decision but affects others around them as well. It could change someone’s lives, hurt people or help people. Those are the things that are applicable in this life. In this life that we are all living in, the life that we can remember. As a Buddhist, We, I believe in karma and reincarnation. So, I cant help but wonder what have I done so bad in the past lives that lead up to where I am today, in this life, in this body. And with that, I also cant help but think about how irrelevant it is to be punished in your next life or in this life, when you dont know what you have done wrong. Because if I dont know my mistakes, I cant fix them, I cant be sorry for it. SO why..?

Life is a journey and choices at crossroads are maps. But why am I here? Have you ever felt the NEED to break free, desperately searching for ways to get out, but in the end, all you have is the ability to look at yourself, throw your own life out the window? Somethings cant be solved by just saying that you WANT to.

People Would Stop To Hold Their Heads

Death, as we all know, cannot be reversed.How many more lives must be lost before people shed that "tidak apa" attitude? This is human lives we're talking about. Yes, I'm talking about the Slim River Bus Crash, that robbed away the life of a young girl with a bright future. This is late because I didnt have the space and time to do blog away from home. Now that I'm at home with the computer to myself, I was trying to understand the level of loss some people are feeling lately. I'm not in anyway related to her, except though friends who knew her and it really saddens me to hear about it. The 3 who perished were, 20, 21 and 23 years old. How can there be justice to that? Life is not fair... we've heard it all, but this, this is too much.I know death happens, accident happens, lives could be lost. But dont you think there have been way too many bus accidents around lately? And everytime they all say the same thing, they will investigate, they will hunt the drivers down, suspend the bus company. But thats all just plain shit talk aint it? Nothing ever changes.

I know when you're in a business you would want maximum profit without putting in much. But this is too much. There are way too many murderers on the road.Buses in bad condition, drivers are not qualified and have been breaking the rules, not just once but countless of times. Accidents happen all the time. They're called accidents when theres nothing anyone could do about it. Bus crashes are mostly the fault of the irresponsible drivers. We read it all the time in the newspaper, but no one really does or say anything about it. Then what is the point of knowing whats happening around us when we dont do anything to change it? You dont feel it when you're reading about someone else's death because you dont know what it is like to lose them until it happens to you.

I know its not as easy as, saying that you want something changed and it will happen. We dont have that kind of power. Not as a person, not even in a group of a 100 people. But if we try, as a bigger group,maybe something can be done. If there is anything that I can do, please let me know. As for now, I've signed a petition for bus crash no more. Please do drop by the page, Buscrashnomore
to read more about the Slim River Bus Crash and take your time to realize the number of lives that has been touched by not just this bus crash, but all the others in the past. Also, please do, sign the petition. CLick Here sign the petition so that the 3 lives who were unfairly robbed will not go in vain.

Thats for the serious part. Now let me rant

You bastards of a bus company and an asshole of a bus driver, if you people do not respect and treasure your own lives, please respect the whole load of passengers that you drive around. Their lives are more meaningful compared to yours. Some people have alot more in life for them, unlike yours driving a bus as a job. And even that you cant do it well. What in the hell are you good for? I think you bus drivers are doing better as a killer than as a bus driver. Kudos to you scumbags. May you suffer the kind of loss these families have lost but in 10 fold.

Up The Wall

I am back.. from Malacca, for.. I'm sure most people would know. And it just reminded me, of how nice it is to be AWAY from here.Even just for a little while. Cant stand my parent's SHIT sometimes, especially my DADs. I am 21 and I'm tired of the whole I-am-the-man-of-the-house-i'm-always-right nonsense. I did NOTHING wrong and I dont deserve the "warm" welcome home greeting I got. More like.. I didnt know what went on, dont know what they were being upset about and what all that shit was for.Yes I got a new video camcorder to work on, thanks... but if that is in exchange for the shitty attitude I received, I'd rather have non of that material shit. I cant understand them, and they sure cant understand me. Talk about family bond. It is only nice and peaceful if I OBEY EVERY DAMN THING.

I'm tired, stressed out from friends getting lost, taking 4 freaking hours to get home from Malacca, I really...dont need non of that shit. I may have had a nice time away, but THANKS for ruining my whole god damn weekend.....motherfucker......

Edited:

Is there something I'm missing? Why does it feel like there isnt any communication? Sometimes I feel like I AM some alien they found on the streets and decided to keep as their child. They never seem understand anything about me, and all that misunderstandings, just lead to more and more agitated talk, until... talking, isnt the word to describe the noises coming out of our mouths. I am..was pissed beyond limits but truth is, I'm alil hurt inside. I am just....tired. Mentally and physically. I think I'll disappear for a couple of days. Anyone free to have dinner with me this week?