My Love It Had So Many Empty Spaces

I feel certain emotions at the time when I need it the least. Right now, I feel like withdrawing myself from people. Its complicated and I dont really know how to put into words what I feel. There is this whole battle going on in my head about my decisions, about who I am and so much more. People all around me, makes a difference to me, friends enrich my life. But yet I cant seem to shake off this fear that I have towards them. All of these battles are making me weary. I'm really reallllyyyy tired of all these shit, thats probably the big motivation to just fuck off, get out of here and travel around. There has been NOTHING permanent in my life so far.. so why should I be the permanent one? 

I realized that I cannot keep anything too close to me. The only way I can be normal and casual is that I keep everyone at bay. No one enters the inner circle. That way, people can come and go as they like, and I wont feel the pinch. Sounds safe I guess...? Its been awhile since I last felt the way I do now. Maybe its something about coming back home and going through the same old routine. Maybe its just about me not being able to accept changes around me. I need to find a way to deal with this. I need to be a variable in life. I need to change. I dont mean to be an emotional retard here right now, but it has really been awhile, so give me a damn break. I'm so annoyed at myself feeling this way, its not even funny. It always starts from a small matter and one thing leads to another. I'm sitting down right here feeling fucked. But you know....theres always time and space to stop and take time to think things through, turn around and leave it all behind. Think....2009...I will think about doing something for myself instead.. of worrying about other things. If you want to make a change, always start from yourself, right? I'll try to see that through. thats all for now... just needed to let it out =)