I Am Damaged At Best

I remember now, why I loved my solitary lifestyle back then. Its the pain of losing the things that are close to you or people that are dear to you. You sit there quietly watching time slowly take away everything, watch it all drift away from you. Its that pain that I, up till now, cant seem to accept. Why are people so difficult to depend on? The probability of things changing is so complex, the risks are so high...The winning pot may be beautiful but the losing end, is so unbearable. But its a choice, it was MY choice. Maybe I made a mistake, am I paying for it now?

I know, routine changes, habit evolves. It may have been insignificant to me when I was back here because I dont see the big difference,because I was part of that change as well. Have I become invisible?.... or has it always been that way? I'm struggling not to think this way, not to be selfish. I still want to call this place home. I want to feel happy coming back here, to the familiar smell, the familiar faces, familiar sights and sounds. I cant keep coming back here and feel that I'm losing bit by bit of everything that I've ever known.

I'm a person of extreme low self-esteem. I know, I need alot to feel good enough. I know I tried alot to be good enough. I wish it would be enough. And if that is not, then I dont know what else to be. I cant slip back into the dark state of mind, shine me a path, please? Trust me, I dont want to sit here curled in a freaking corner. I DO want to get back up on my feet, I just need somewhere to start. Give me the doors, and I will give you my decision.....

 

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

Lifehouse - Broken

My Love It Had So Many Empty Spaces

I feel certain emotions at the time when I need it the least. Right now, I feel like withdrawing myself from people. Its complicated and I dont really know how to put into words what I feel. There is this whole battle going on in my head about my decisions, about who I am and so much more. People all around me, makes a difference to me, friends enrich my life. But yet I cant seem to shake off this fear that I have towards them. All of these battles are making me weary. I'm really reallllyyyy tired of all these shit, thats probably the big motivation to just fuck off, get out of here and travel around. There has been NOTHING permanent in my life so far.. so why should I be the permanent one? 

I realized that I cannot keep anything too close to me. The only way I can be normal and casual is that I keep everyone at bay. No one enters the inner circle. That way, people can come and go as they like, and I wont feel the pinch. Sounds safe I guess...? Its been awhile since I last felt the way I do now. Maybe its something about coming back home and going through the same old routine. Maybe its just about me not being able to accept changes around me. I need to find a way to deal with this. I need to be a variable in life. I need to change. I dont mean to be an emotional retard here right now, but it has really been awhile, so give me a damn break. I'm so annoyed at myself feeling this way, its not even funny. It always starts from a small matter and one thing leads to another. I'm sitting down right here feeling fucked. But you know....theres always time and space to stop and take time to think things through, turn around and leave it all behind. Think....2009...I will think about doing something for myself instead.. of worrying about other things. If you want to make a change, always start from yourself, right? I'll try to see that through. thats all for now... just needed to let it out =)