Regretful Nut

A new year begins....and a new life begins as well. It's as if Im starting college all over again. The last time college began... I had to deal with starting college without a good friend of mine. This time, I have to deal with starting college withoUt my entire classmates. Lets just say, I deserved it. I was given a second chance to make things right, but I blew it. Obviously thinking that doing it the second time, I would succeed this time. Im still stunned and stonnEd bout not getting it through it. So this time, I’ll have to give it my ALL. I've decided to stop my degree course and focus on finishing the rest of the subjects that I had not passed. It's a decision I made because this time, if I were to blow it again, there will be no turning back. Im thankful, but yet, not too happy bout it. It’s just me. To hell with it.

I wish that some BiG rock or something would hit me hard on my head so that I would know how to change. Maybe I should be in one of those countries hit by the tsunami. bWAgRAhH... (%^*$^&... college will begin on the 10th of January for me....sigh.... I feel sorry.. to whom im sorry to, I dont know.... I just feel sorry. Sorry to those who have helped me I guess. What the hell..... this is a good time to make this change, my new year's resolution huh? just have to make sure I DO keep it this time.Talk about helping others... I cant even help myself.

Anyone happen to know where I can get tuition for programming? If there's any.....lemme know plz.??? desperate now.

sigh....ciows

Accident In Paradise

Lend a hand to help the needy. A little bit is never too little to receive nor is it too much to give. Dont be too selfish. Imagine what it's like to be the victims of that disaster. People say, pray for them, pray for those whose life has passed and those who lost loved ones. But what does prayers really do? As if prayers would help those who are starving, or wounded. What they need is all the physical help they can get. Food and medical supply.

Times like these are torturous to me because I know I am but a weAk human. As much as I feel that I have given is never enough. Doesnt even seem like it's a drop in a river, talk about the ocean. Why am I blogging at this time? Because I’ve simply worked my muscles to the max and imp unable to move my pathetic body. Stupid counterpain doesnt even work this time. I cant really bend over to pick up anything more than 4kg. Just that I didn't wanna admit it. .

The Halls are ALL filled up to the mAXXxxx....anymore it will bReAk the ceilings. Now I know what’s it like to be or...woRk in a harbour. At times it is pretty Stressing, but mostly it's quite fun. Which is why, I dont mind going back to help out... Hey... I dont get paid to do this ookAy? It’s voluntary work straight from the heart, and im glad I could lend a hand.

Anyway, anyone who reads this...Any tom, dick and harry who wanna contribute something to the disaster, go over to the Buddhist Vihara, 123 Jalan Berhala, Brickfields, Kuala Lumpur. Obviously at THIS time.... more man power is needed.Sigh....I wish my muscles weren't SO freAking weak. DAmit

"Taking Lives"

The ultimate shOck-of-your-life experience was part of my unusual Yum Cha session with Flabby, Jace and Krystal last night. Entertaining for some....hEart-stopping for some. It was almost like a lab test to see hoW much me and Jace could take. Of course... thE best was mE...haha coz Jace almost DiEd..literally DiEd due to the.....ear torture given by Flabby. I guess it was more of a shock to Jace than it is to me.....The only thing that shocked me was that I tHought I had known nothing, other than what I originally knew. But...the truth was that all I knew was all that happened. Flabby was juz pulling out legs. At first, I was confidant that it was all bullshit... but knowing me... and knowing flabby...im bound to believe whatever she says. If it was real, I felt like either I was gonna Sink into the chair... or fall onto the ground...or... slam my face on the table..or simply SmoKE the Freshly bought pack to dust.

Overall.....I am juz stonnEd and......I have nothing else to say. I just believe the things that flabby says..you may think im gullible and blur, but it's juz simply because I trust her and I pray that flabby will never lie to me or hide things from me.

Self Reflection???

Being tired SuckS...Ruins everything. Killed my sense of humour and worst of all it killed my mood. Im losing my cool likE no boDy's business and I dont know how to have fun anymore. Atmos was......somewhat......boring last nite. I actually tRiEd to enjoy myself and put up that....face as though im enjoying it. Okay...but that can only last for so long...after that, I juz wanna get outta there. Even being in Su Ann’s house seemed more...interesting. Had a cup noodle and then down one V.S.O.P after that....im surprisingly...AwakE. Went to Lotus to minum awhile, they went back and so did I. This is funny. I was Dead sleepy at 12 something when music was BlAsting like crazy... but DAmN awake at 3 sumthing till 5 when the hse is so quiet. *scratches head* . Actually... I suddenly miSsed Nouvo last nite. Felt like I wanted to be in Nouvo more than Atmos....I Dont knoW why. oh well..... nExt week mayb?

Anyway....I realised that things are not always what it seems. And things should never be judged through someone else's words. Everything should be judged by YouRself based on youR own opinion AftEr you've seen, known or been through it. Easy to say huh? I know sometimes I Do listen to other ppl's opinion and that opinion soon becomes mine. I've seen things alot clearer and I understand why somethings are this way and not another. And I also realised that.... TruSt is important and essential in everything you're trying to achieve in a group.Oh well.....Satisfaction~~!!!!

I know I have alot to change. Qualities in me that neeDs to be improved, be it good or bad. I know nothing will change or get better if I dont start seeing into it. Shall this be my new year's resolution? I guess so. But then again, it's something i say everytime this time of the year. Somethings to change, added with will power but SomEhow still stays the same. Hmm.... Stubborn? Perhaps..... We shall see.

Another year will be gone...whats up ahead? I'll never know....4 more days till the new door opens up for me.

Zombie

Im back...agAin. This time, from the ever so tiring Sayo camp. This time, it was EvEn more tiring than ever. But well, at least i had something back in return. Games department did well despite the lack of help from all the "hElpful" committees. Got piSsed off several times, but all in all, we made it. I have to say, my temper is getting worse, and i dont know why. So flabby the boSs......Im sorry for all the times that i boiled up and ExploDed. You know i dont mean to do any of those, neither did i ever thought of pissing you off. Just wanna get the job done and running smoothly. You're still the besT boSs..hehe =p

Anyway, it's christmas now. Went to Hartamas for the countdown. Couldnt stay any longer, coz i've been making my eye lids Work out and basically my body has no more strength to fight it. I am a person that nEeDs sleep and rest. So...here i am, writing out any info that i could think of without using more than 5 seconds to think bout what im gonna say. Which is why i Dont even understand what i just typed. I should update another time.....the bed is calling me in.

GooD night......Merry Christmas.

Penis Name....

Ah...Nice to be back here with my bunch of maniac friends. The pack had just left from a mini "gathEring" at my place, since parents aren't around to say anything. I think i enjoy living alone more than with my parents. I think everyone...or almost everyone would like that. It just gives you so much more time for yourself and you dont have aNy rules to comply to. YoU make your own rules. Wanna smoke while on the comp..?? SMoKE lAAaAh. Your bunch of monkey friends wanna smoke crAck....SmoKE lAaaAh...just not when im around. That's a rule. =) I like it. Too bad i only have another 4 more days left to enjoy my freedom. This is the first time im left alone for SOoo many days. Other times are just... a day or 2.

Went to do some CraZy things last nite. Besides getting to see my friends...StoNnEd and see hoW stupid they look laughing at EverY damn thing, red eyes all, i DrovE BAckwards in the housing area. Well... since there were no cars, and i got bored. So, why not? My next target? drive backwards to KLIA. Okay..after sending them back, me and Iylia went to get supper coz my stomach was screaming for food since...12 something. We got ourselves Burger Ramly. YumMm...And that's bout wraps up today....another unusual crAzy day of the Chubby and gAng.

Flabby will be away......wish u have a safe trip, take care of urself and have the bEstest Fun. Will miss that......pig. Good Night.....morning.

Btw...just for some fun...

Your Penis Name is: Godzilla

Chubby is CHuBby

Aight.... ChubbY's back to civilization...after a week in a remote area. Funny that im nEither glad nor sad to be back here. Although i Am gonna be home alone till i leave for my sayo camp coz my parents just flew to China last night. Eh..btw, you wouldnt believe that i actually gAINed 2 kg from camp. Amazing? madness should be the word. What do you expect from 5-6 meaLs a day?Even my sister said i looked like i have double chin from the side.hAhaAha.Who would like to be the first to see me really CHubBy?

Anyway....camp was alright.Except for a FeW minor things.... =).Though it was PrEtty Obvious that being a participant is SooooO much more fun. Even better...being the participants of THIS year's camp. They are ALL FreaKing pampered. Lucky lUcky people. Everything is provided... everything is nicely made easier for them... COmpAred to the time that I went...FoOohh.. these people are as though goin for a babysitting camp. And we are all baby-sitters. We're juSt toOo kind and ToooO nice. hahaha. But... they all lose out on many things... the experience and the reAL feeling of what things are really like. Oh well..... no other comments. My arms and legs are InfESted with...insect and mosquito bites. URgh.

Went to K.L today. For lunch, with Flabby and Wai Leng,my OC. Talked bout camp..typical topic of conversation especiAlly right after camp. I ate likE....a pig.Sumthing must be wrong with me. I dont usually eat Anything like that. Wonder Why....*scratches head*. muSt be camp. So...i guess now i DO deserve to be called ChuBBy. And flabby is....well... flabby. =p

Thats's all i guess. See ya.

Zombie

Tracked to Ulu Yam again today...however...turns out to be an unsuccessful survey. Will have to go back there sometime next week. I think we barely tracked to the half-way point, we came back down... Now... at 10.45.. im DeaD tired. I think im gonna go to bed...ZzZzzzZzz.

Oh... watched Alexander today. interesting show. Does make a vEry ObviouS and significant point bout how power changes a person. Forget everything but yourself.You may remember who u love... but forget to care bout what they want and how they feel. AnyWayz.... i wanna go to sleep now b4 i sleep on the keyboard and have a treasure map on my face the next morning. GooD nites.

Economy Sized Dreams Of Hope

Have u ever wondered how stRong shopaholics are...? DAmn....I Do wonder now how they can last walking for houRs...sometimes on heels or those....u know uncomfy shoes, when you dont even see them do any exercise. Incredible. Went to Midvalley today with FlabBy. Tidak bErhasil.haha. So we moved on to K.L. where we continued our search for...CAmP clothes. FlabbY needed shorts and shirts....and bag while I needed shirts. Flabby went home with a Load full of new friends for her cupboard. [just 4 shirts and 1 shorts actually =)] I’ve got 2....somewhat indecent shirts...according to flAbby.

Indecent? I think it's DarN cutE! hehe

After killiNg our lEgs, it was dinner time. Though we werent really hungry coz we had coffee bean [My bAd]. OoOh...Guess where we had our dinner?...Jalan Alor. Yummy. The whole damn street is filled with restaurants, shops, stalls of FOOD. Shared 3 yuMmy dishes, another decent conversation, and that was our closing ceremony. A brief but a pleasant trip indeed. Times like these seems to be insatiable. Well Cherished and appreciated.

Time to get my....WeLL deserved rest. good nights.

bReakfast

me...having dim sum


imitating the way smalls uses her chopsticks. lol. And i apparently ate alot of siew mai's


whats left of what supposed to be a big Group outing for breakfast.


See... i told u she eats funny. =p

ppl...especially Jocey and Vic...Dont bRing ur camera's out for DIM SUM ookAy? u guys freak me out.. but well... Jinyin needs to see what she's missed. frEaking PIG of a person. i HATE waking her UP! grrrr...

Weekend Wonders

So here I am...wrapping up yet another weekend. This week was somewhat busy...which made me looked..."hAppEning". OKay...to sum it up, after a day's break from the PreviouS Genting trip, on Friday, I went to Ulu Yam with Ah mAy,Iylia,Jace&Krystal to check out the place for an outing during camp. We were supposed to juSt LOOK for the roads leading up there....but due to the curiosity of ouR good lil flabby friend...we ended up tracking up alil bit. Both of us bRought along some "friEndS" while coming outta the tracks. Anyways...Ulu Yam was quite a nice place indeed. Even if not for the camp...I juSt might hike up there with some friends.

Oh... I went outta topic. bAck to what I was saying....I went to Genting agAin...yes again that night. This time, a night drive with May and her college mates. Stayed at a friend's apartment in Kayangan. This time... I had my blAck label.[hehe]. I think My tolerance for alcohol has DegRAded. After a couple of shots....it was My turn...to "meditate" at the toilet bowl. This time...Ah mAy took care of me...and I thAnk you for it.[it's a cycle isnt it?] I didint even have any shots neat.tsk tsk....but of course... I din have the same kinda hang over. Was just Slightly. that was fine...May drove down the next day.

Came back here in the evening. Had a SHORt nap before waking up and rushing to go dinner. Afiq's brother's wedding dinner. In Ampang. So...there I go again. I think my poor car needs some rest...so I shall let it rest tomoro and stay at home watch TV or sumthing...*shrugs*. But all's good. Thats bout wrapping up this weekend's updates. At least I think that's it. Time for dinner..... cioWs

No Warmth Under My Umbrella

ExAmS are OVER!!! NoW I can really go out and pAR-tAy! Doesnt really make much of a difference actually..not like I kEpt myself home and study THAT hard. =\ but well.... it's over, GonE until...mid next year. Wished I could say it's gone FOreVEr! Now...to do things that are more of MY kind. Things that require neither book MUGGING.. nor memorizing FActS! YUCK! yEa...that would be of course...camp stuff. Though im pretty lazy to do anything bout it...but well.. the task is given, therefore the job must be done.

Went up to genting yesterday. Stay over 1 night. And BlooDy heLL!!! what the FuCK was wrong with that day man..?? Things just couldnt get any worse. What a way to mark the ending of my exams. Total waste of the day. Maybe I should have just stayed back here and celebrate. Sigh.... not meant to enjoy?? Dont know. Funny how I feel like I have nothing to do now and feeling bored when all these while I just couldnt wait for the exams to be over and holidays to begin. Feel like im gonna be wasting my days. What am I to do? Who wanna plAy some sports with mE? or...gimme some Work to do. But plz.... NO PROGRAMMING. ARghhh... getting agitated due to the lack of sleep. Never missed my bed more than this. And nEver knew mosquitoes were SUCH IRRITATING PAIN IN THE ASSES BUGS!

GooD night.

Baby-Sitter Chubby

I seem to be doing all the things that should OnlY be done AFTER im done with my exams....Late night movie, Clubbing....bAhHh. Looks like I never change Huh? "A tiger can NevEr change its stripes" Someone once told me. Guess it's true. No mAtter how you try to change..SomEthings will stay the same.

AnyWay...Was in the mood for Nouvo last night..but Nouvo turned out......UnexPectedly quiet. As if some disease spread all over Nouvo or something. Crossed over to Atmos instead. Ladies got in free last niGht.[*ShrugS*...hEhe] dont know why. Apparently there was SomE event going on there. Nice to go back to Atmos again..after so long. EnjoyEd myself pretty much. I pity my flabby friend though....i think if i were to puke like that... My SpLEen would have came spilling out. hEh...now i know what it's like to take care of someone.....gonE. Just like taking care of a baby...ovErgrown baby.You talk to them like a baby...you keep your 100% attention on them, incase they do something Stoopid u know..?Plus it takes up ALOT of energy. Through it all, you at least get SomE kinda "entertainment". Pretty Damn amusing to see the way they react. Best thing would be...the satisfaction of knowing u made sure they're safe. =) Even when having puKE on you doesn't seem to matter when you're so engrossed with taking care of them....whether it be juz standing there watching them "meditate" at the toilet bowl...or tugging their clothes to make sure they don't TumbLe outta the window..or... falling over while sitting / squatting down...Basically i know what it feels like to take care of me...when im Shit rEtarded..though im not so sure bout the satisfaction part ...? [diD u iylia..??] But I’ll never thank you all enough for the times all of you helped me.

Just like that.... I can pass as a baby-sitter now... hahA. Gives me motivation to lift weights too...I have somE useLEss....Strength less arms! Cant even carry my dear buddy. sigh....

*note to flab-bee -
1. EAT Pig!!!!! EAT!!!!
2.Dont drink like u havent drank in a million years.
3.I did it because it's my duty as a friend.I luv u and care for u...and i AM GoD DAmn sincere bout it ok? Nothing like what YoU thought. =p

*note to self -
1. Should start exercising
2. ProgrAmming....Go stuDY!! =\

GooD night

Genuine DumbnEss

yEs....i admit. It is iNdeeD a name for ME. No onE else deserves such bEautifuL and No one else suits the name more than i do. Math....you fail it once, you're weak... you fail it twice... You're thE genuine DumbAss. I juSt Dont get why...WHY mothEr fucKEr...WHY?!?!?. I dont want to do it again.....i CAnt! CAnt repeat it again.....Not bEcause of PRIDE...FucK pride...What'S priDe? i just CAnt WASTE another 4 months doin the same thing.It's jusT a math paper..JuSt a math paper. And i just cant god damn count. Why couldnt i do it? bEcoz im juSt THAT DAmn DUmB Huh?What the hELL man....I was Gonna CHANGE. I was gonna Put effort into work that i do, into my studiEs. YEa...i had a HecK of a gRAND opEning of exams. Where's my motivation to work?? UP my ass turn left.

Keep It CoMin..Nobody Does It Better

hEy hEy..!! guEss who's back..hEh... mE, duh.... internet's been down for the past few days GoD DAmN stoopID streamyx....DeprivEd me from my daily doses. grRr..!!! Even made me think that I BLeW my modem. thAnk god I wasnt Impatient enough to go n get a NEW modem. Hmm.... a whole loAd of shit happened. I Dont even Seem to know where to bEgin. Haha...bAsically....I nEvEr knew the minDs of my dear friends were SoOoo.... "CreAtive". They never Seize to AmuSe me. AnyHo...I guess a big part of me kinda..."foRgot" how to blog...[excuses] but since the exams are...around the corner....Ermmm....tomoro.... =\

I should really get goin and buCk up my work.
gEnuiNE DumbnEss needs to be proven wrong....

Switch Sides

i have a monster in my head. It is arguing with my mind bout being the person i wanna be, and thinking the way I wanna think and DistRuping the emotions I wanna feel. Making my happiEst moments my saddest, and my saddest my happiest. While at times im sad bout how things are, im happy that this is what it is. And while I lay in bed playing the WrOnG movie scenes and letting it sip into my subconscious mind, I forgot about reality. I tend to gEt addicted with my mental movies and how perfect my life seems to portray.

I like the way i livEd in my mind. Flawless and blissful. Though according to that "being a happy teenager" book, you can change the way you are and the way u live by bRinging that mental movie scene to life, i seem to like mine the way it is....maybe keeping certain things in your head is better than bringing it to life. Nothing so perfect and wonderful could live outside of my mental world. In the end, it would just be like everything else, desTroyEd and flawed. YEs, i live in 2 worlds. One in which i'vE created and one in reality, it's not so baD....it's the bEst i could do. And though i Sometimes tend to get these two worlds miXed up, im trying to FIX that. so...im sorry, if i dont seem normal for awhile...saying things that i shouldnt say, feeling certain emotions that doesnt seem to FiT the timing. Im just confused. or maybe because im arguing with the monster in my mind. And though i live in 2 worlds, im still the same person. it's just thE outcomes of my life that are Slightly.....different.

Change is always a challenge.
Acceptance….is a cause of change or an effect of change?

Got What I Need

Bought a book from MPH yesterday..."Being a happy teenager". You know... One of those books by Andrew Matthews. Does make me change certain point of views. OKay, so maybe after reading that book I could be a happy teenager.. nyAhaha. [ iyliA!.. u should read man!] Difficult situations are quite simple actually... what makes it hard...is ourselves. We all go look at the situation in a negative way, and it is suicide. We SHouLDn't think that way, and if we can change the way we think, we change the situation. nice? right....i shall go on reading. I'll let u know if i have changed or not... hahaha.

For now.... i nEEeEeD to go study, FINALS Eh..?!?!? sigh... Who wants to go ReaD bout computers and Networks...bout RJ-45, ROM BIOS, OSI,AppleTalk,Bla bLA bla and crap when i can go on n read bout being happy...?? =) im goin to college....stonE in the library...cIOWs!

Inevitable

"Friendship, of itself a holy tie, Is made more sacred by adversity."
-- Charles Caleb Colton

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.
--Hugh Elliott

Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.
--Alan Watts

"Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the Seed of an equivalent or a greater Benefit."
-- Napolean Hill

"The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for."
-- Homer

"Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow."-- Sir James Matthew Barrie

"O, Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; To be understood as to understand; To be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; And it is in dying to ourselves that we are born to eternal life. Amen."-- Saint Augustine

"The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope."-- Walter Benjamin

Like is said....i cant resist. The ones in bold are the ones that seems to have movEd me mOre than....the non bold ones.

Wonders Of Words

SomEthings are quite irrisistable...I think i would rather go for philosophy class rather than be here in computers and network class now...hEhehE..

"Dignity and love do not blend well, nor do they continue long together."

"Our lives improve only when we take chances -- and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves."
-- Walter Anderson
"Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives."
--A. Sachs

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
--Will Rogers

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."
-- Anne Dudley Bradstreet

"When you are in a state of nonacceptance, it's difficult to learn. A clenched fist cannot receive a gift, and a clenched psyche--grasped tightly against the reality of what must not be accepted--cannot easily receive a lesson."
-- Roger John

"Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words."
-- Rainer Maria Rilke

"We become wiser by adversity; prosperity destroys our appreciation of the right."
-- luscious Annaeus Seneca

"Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer."
-- Shunryu Suzuki

This list is gonnA be nEvEr ending...so..therE..juz a few nice stuff that i've pickEd out that made my day somewhat peaceful. May it change the way others think too.

Mental Movie Scenes

It’s amAZing how memories nevEr seize to give you emotions throughout the day...juz like food for the mind.Memories...when it's good...makes you feel the utmost joY and satisfaction for being able to have things that happened in your life you know you've enjoyed and now cherish. bAd memories run through your head like a movie that's repeating over and over again. Everything seems to be related to the past. The echoes of words circling in your head. The haunting voices that seems to be ScrEamIng right into your ear drums. The feeling of..... what uSed to be there lingers on.

dont sometimes you feel like having a bRain of a child? You wont remember anything GooD nor bad after awhile...lonGest maybe a few months or sumthing..PluS they're too young to understand all the complicated feelings and emotions.MAybe if i could be like that.....how endlessly blissful it would be.....