My Precious

look what just arrived. =D~~ *drools* i think this shall be at my bedside everynite. lovEly lovely lovely. THANK U SOOO much,my dear. =)

Tiger Lily

hEheh....its been awhile since I logged in here n spill some thoughts/whinEs..bla bla bla. Havent been home much lately.I guess I kinda officially movEd out already.Been enjoying my new found freedom.I've learnt to stick myself to the meaning of the word, independence. I had to cook for myself...clean up the house and of course wash the dishes. But since I live so near home, I go home for dinner almost everynite.hahha.. well... indirectly showing my parents that im still ALivE.Laundry is also brought home coz I dont have a washing machine there....and Im too lazy to wash them by hand. Its been a month now....and I think I might just stay put there till im ready to go further away from home.

Staying alone makes you feel awfully forlorn sometimes. As much as I enjoy the silence and the enormous personal space, I hate the way silence makes me think so much. Staring out the balcony, I look around as I enjoy the view, I miss a certain presence. A presence that I used to have. I miss the conversations, the new things I used to learn from those conversations. I miss all the things and experience I had. I cant rewind or undo things. The past remains as the past. So here I am now, fallen but not gone, bruised but not dead. Half-hanging and guilty.From the old memories, to the voice recordings....the pictures right up to the last words. I have them all. The last words shatters me everytime I lay my eyes on it.

19 years of life. what have I achieved? I’ve probably mastered the beSt ways to chase people outta my life.It should be a new profession. I am so GoOod at destroying those things that was everything to me. Do you really know me at all? Coz I dont.

What am I doing........?

Pump Up The Crap

Run your fingers through my soul,
for once, just once, feel exactly
what I feel, believe what I believe,
perceive what I perceive,
look, experience, examine and
for once, just once,
understand

Im goin mad in the middle of the night. When the city sleeps and the ghosts in me awakes. Torn apart by the movies playing in my head. The familiar voices that used to fill my life, reminding me of what I dont have anymore. "You win some, you lose some" Everything is always easier said than done. What caused this? Time? Distance? mE?

Im tormenting myself. Then again, its what I always do. I contradict everything that I do. Say I like being alone, but I dont, Say I like being around my friends, But its different.

I hate it when I go out,because, im holding my broken parts together. I hate it when Im alone, because I hate to fall apart. Bet no one thinks of the day, I would start Crumbling down. This is what they call Self-destruction. Not physically though. Physically was much better. Now its worse.

Authority Abuse

Zouk bouncers were apparently abuSing customers. Power and authority changes a person? Suppose so. I dont know how true this story goes, but it is worth reading. It put thoughts in your head.To be more careful when clubbing.It is after all...nOt the safest place on earth.

What do u think of Zouk now?
http://www.zoukabuse.blogspot.com

Malaysian Cops are a uSeless piece of crap force. Like I said, power n authority makes an ASS out of someone. Check out Today's Star newspaper.Page 4 about a chinese housewife. Cops make me SiCK.... If anything were to happen to me, cops are the last people I would go to for help. knowing them, they would probably expect some money given to them b4 doing anything for me. This country is making me sick. More over all these stories coming about makes me even more SicK of Malaysians.I wanna be a proud citizen and go out n say, "IM FROM MALAYSIA" but with all these happenning... u think it is a proud place to live in? mAybE not.

juSt my opinion...others may differ.

Me

I am the one, people used to call for company
I am the one,people used to seek comfort in
I am the one,people used to ask for help

Yet,

I am also the one that was uSed to step on because I would always give
so that they wont feel lonely, so that they could have the things that they want
I am also the one that was LiEd to,so that they wouldnt have to explain anything
so that asses wont be kicked.

I am the one,people apparently think they can kiCk around
I am the one,people use to practice their lYing skills
I am the one,people used to practice their ACTinG skills.
I am,in that way, a very good practice partner.

Who am I?

who else....me

Grunts

Since these few weeks are the closing of the semester, everyone knows what end fo the semester brings.WoRk woRk n Work.So, I have been working on this...bAtik thingy for my creative studies. Me n my groupmates were pRetty DArN happy last week when we finished...or so we thought. Yesterday... our batik was rejected. So.. no Deeparaya holiday for me... I have to go back to college.... *grunTS* *Sighs* im so tired already.....


batik


another

Swings

I hAtE what my head does to me. I hate to think the way I do. I hate to be so unsure of everything because i have doubts.I hate to have completely contradicting thoughts ALL the time. I hate to have nO control of my own life at all.I hate the fact that I acTually Go CrAzY every once in awhile. I hate to admit that Im inSanE.I hate the way I am.

Massacre of Sanity

WAhOoOo..~!!! Im finally online again. OmFg.DEpRIvEd maxxximummm. Now i can finally stay at home n not go CRaZy. Not to say i will be sane after goin online. but at least it buys some time and takes things off my mind at most times.

The days have been crazy. Thank gOodness for end of the semester assignments take takes some of me away from indulging in thoughts. If it wasnt for that, I might have been dead or inSanE already. Too much for this lil head of mine to accept.

Contradiction of thoughts that sits in between truth and lies. When the heart and mind collides, the results are devastating. It is unmerciful. It would have been so much easier if I was someone or something without feelings. Until I decide which I chose to believe, I'll always be here, Tortured by what makes us all human.

Me...cloud

Hey...look at me...=) hehehe

Dissapointment

mAdnEss.... So much for enthusiasm to win both This match against Blackburn and Fulham eh? my Ass....Everyone else got at least a draw. Liverpool Drew,Arsenal, eventho goalless, still Drew and CHelSEa WON! WTF!??!?!!? im goin crazy. @!#$!@#&^%#!!&~!!@ ...... =.="

That was my very sad weekend....=(

Ooh Wee

wow... seems like its been awhile since I posted anything.hehe.What can I say? To sum it all up, there were drama, sweat n tears. All the kinds of emotions and craZy days that resulted in a life-changing experience. I havent even updated on my bday celebration yet. Oh well, everyone else has. Might be alil late to say anything, but hey, better late than nEvEr ey? So yea, anyway, thAnkS SOOoo muCh to all who came for the celebration at "The Orange" and for those who has wishEd me or remembered my bday or whatever. tHAnk u thAnk u. It was an enjoyable night, hopefully we can do it again.I know I did some stupid dumB things that might have RuiNEd my reputation for life, but I think I do enough of those kinda things to make them my trademark. Every year, I do something new for my wonDerFUL friends to laugh at me. hehe. =) Many thanks again to everyone who has walked into my life and made a difference.I love my friends. =) *HUgS ALL*

Dyeing The Surface

Im staring at the big empty board that Im supposed to fill it in with writings and nice lil pictures. Im unsure of how to do it. Its 1.27 and I dont know who to call to ask.So, I thought I'd sit infront of the comp and waste more time. Went to the clinic today. Thought of just goin to consult the doctor and get opinions regarding my ear. For those who dont get what Im saying, well, I have a marvelous ear stud embedded in my ear because I was too smart for my own good. Anyway, instead of getting consultation, the doctor decided to take action righT away. And so, today, 13th September 2005, I had my first experience with the sculptor. Now, I dont have the stud in my ear anymore, however, I Do have a nice holE to take the stud's place. hehe. Im getting sleepy and tired, but I cant decide whether to stay n TRY to think of something for the assignment or just go straight to sleep because I dont know how to do it anyway. I bought the wrong kinda board to begin with.Hmmmm.. I cant think.Sigh....

Nothing At All

Have you ever felt guilty over something and then realized that you've been feeling guilty for absolutely NothiNG at all?Everything that you've tried doing to fix things,to make things better is a complete waste of time,energy n effort?Sometimes you feel like you've done a bad thing.Things that make you feel sorry of your existence, and then you look around you and see that people are like that too.What makes them different from you? The only probable difference is that I feel fucking ass sorry for the things that I've done,while others....couldnt really be bothered with it.Why do I always give everything to everyone but take everyone's SHiT instead? I would sacrifice and give everything within my means,but im always giving it away to the wrong people.

Everyone, in the end, they're just all the same.Everyone is a liar, betrayer and a self-centered person inside,its just a matter of how muCh all of that shows.If anyone was to say, im just like that too, fine, i'll admit.If im wrong, i'll admit.But tell me what have I Done wrong to alWAyS deserve shit?Of all the people in the world,the ones closest to me will be the ones that kill me.Sometimes, I feel as tho, im put in this world to give people what they need.I give and only give.If I ever want to take anything back, it would be shit. Usually I dont complain,because I do what I do for the love of people that I love.But when the patterns, they repeat themselves, then I start to wonder. There’s nothing in this life for me after all.

Closure

There really hasnt been much happening around me.Everything and everyday is the same old dull days. Well... except for the 3 wonderful days Baskin decided to be nice and give me my ice cream 1 day earlier that I should.This time, I bought 5 quarts.I realised,im buying more n more every 31st.Im gonna eat till i bloat and shit out ice cream. Besides that, I havent really been hanging around the comp coz...I dont know whats happening to it.It seemed to have gone craZy.Everytime I turn on the comp it goes back to default.Start telling me to take that windows XP tour. What the hell..? I think its time to send it to the comp doctors....comp is sick...

On a very Random thought...I miss Zouk.I miss having to go there twice a week.. and now, it seems rather impossible to go.Everyday, its just waking up,goin to college,getting work done and thats how the day ends.On certain days, I add in some mixed feelings to spiCe things up.Make my brain think more, instead of just letting my consious move my body to do the same old things.I miss the life i used to have.The people I used to be close to.I hardly see anyone now and I fear of losing them.Its like, im not living a life. Im just living for the sake of living.I dont know. Feeling quite funNy now.Feel empty.hEh... ookay.. enough shit. WoRk....

Never Got It Right

Just came back from PD. Revelation was.....somewhat...over rated. Maybe it was because I went there while still having the god damned Hang over.Maybe its because the "dance floor" was all SAnDy.Maybe it was because I was too tired to even think of dancing.Maybe I reaLLy shouldnt have gone out to the beach during this..."wonderful" time of the year.Maybe it was because of the thousands of thoughts in my head.Maybe I shouldnt have drank like an idiot the night before.Maybe it was because the FuckIng phone-lines were all dead and I made a mistake of going my own way resulting in getting lost.I had to disturb friends back home to help me sort out my shit. I swear then, i just wanted to go home.Forget bout anymore raves. The only rave that I'll probably only think of is Zoukout.Other than that....Enough. Definitely no more SanDy stuff,unless its really at the bEACh for reAL,so that i can jump into the water and die if i feel bored.!@#~!@#~!@ Forgive this post. for juSt onE moment, i just wanna rant like a bitCh.And if this still aint making me feel any better, im gonna go n burn myself in hell.Hell will be so much better when Im done and gonE from shits here on earth. arGhH...forget it.

Lazy

HaZe haZe....gets people into a new mask craze....schools been asked to close... how bout college??? =\ im beginning to feel lazy to attend college.Still very much in a holiday mood. =)

Leg

The chuBBy is a person that plays too much and never seem to know how to stop.In the end, the chubby has to learn it the hard way.

LooK out...below.....


My beatiful leg

Burning My Faith

Must have waken up from the wrong side of the bed.Or maybe something/someone was telling me,I was gonna have a bad day.Cant explain why I felt piSSEd off the minute I woke up.Felt a sense of lost,neglet n betrayal.A mixture of feelings I had NO idea where it came from.A nightmare I pressume.Concentration was not 100% in class.Mind was busy thinking of things outside of my classroom half the time.I felt disturbed.I wanted to seek comfort in the presents of friends after class was done with.They were busy and I couldnt say a thing to let my emotions go anyway.Didnt wanna go home so I looked for my dear sister to hang out with.Was gonna go get something to eat after her work,I killed my tyre.How can I be so StupID?Now, im paranoid that the tyre will fall out while driving.Its a stupid thing to think about,but the thought just SpRings into my head,what can I do? My head does "WonderS" sometimes.ArgHhH! thE horror this StupiD day. I know...i know its a small matter to grunt about.Im just probably tiRed and feeling strangely Emotionally FuckEd.I happen to have these kinda weird mOoDs every once in a while.It drives me nutS and I wished I could do something about it. Like Fry the hell outta my brains or something. JackShit of a thing. ~#~@!# I should just go to sleep now forget I ever went through today.

*note to self*
it will be a better day when I wake up
It wasnt a bad day...it was all in the mind.

ookAy... I shall sleep now. So long and good night.

A Day

Orientation is over,classes has now begun. Cant say much bout my other classes coz I only have ONE subject a day.Today's class was Life-drawing.This,is a whole new experience for me[before this,college was just like everyone else].Class today was in a studio. There were a whole bunch of stuff stacked in the middle of the room.We were asked to take a good look at it,n then draw it.So,I grabbed an easel and a wooden board,tapped my paper on the board and started my FIRST piece of work which ended with the lecturer giving me a B.It was pretty ugly,if u asked me but I think the lecturers were being nice to new students.ahaha..Porky however thought I deserved to get a D because it was horrendous and I got smacked too,for killing her eyes with rubbish.Hey, its the chubby's first work.gimme some time.I have 13 weeks to transform from an idiot in art to someone...well...an accepted art student.I shall conclude at the end of this week,which is the most interesting class.See...being in an art college aint too bad.Its kinda fun.I mean, no need to StuDy,memorize names and terms and all those nonsense.Bliss.oh...no exams too.Just mountains of workload.hahaha.

On another note,I watched The Island today...[finally].Really interesting show."people would do anything to survive" indeed.Then I start to wonder,why arent I doing anything to save myself....stupid no? Maybe I aint human.

College

okay...seems you all are actually interested in my first days at LUCT. Well.. here it goes. Monday,first day of orientation.I reached at bout 10.30 and registered.Hell load of people in the hall,thus I have to line up for quite sometime.After I was done,I left..because....there was nothing to do.2nd day.Just like the first, I attended some crappy talk.It was some introduction of faculty members,staff,lecturers...bla bla bla.After that, Signed up for some Kickboxing class for the heck of it and left.3rd day. LUCT organized some games for the new student.I didnt feel like travelling alll the way just to play some games.So...stayed at home n sLeeEEeeEp.Today.It was also the same...except that the talk today was introduction to our courses and other courses in the same faculty.Right...boring...as usual.I had my first meal at LUCT.Ordered the chicken chop that cost me 5bucks...had a smoke,n left. They were supposed to hand out the time-tables TODAY!!! but...they postponed to tomoro,which means I went to college today for...pretty much Nothing.I just want the timetable,thats it. Okay... so thats bout LUCT for now.I am still currently....friendless. =(

Hmm...I actually dont think LUCT is THaT boring.Its just boring for me now,coz i dont know anyone.Like some lost sheep running around on my own.I actually think LUCT is kinda nice.Well..except that it is god darn far from anywhere and you're basically StuCk in the campus until you're done with your classes.Well...here's to hoping that I do meet nice enough people to make my stay at LUCT..enjoyable.I have 3 years god damit.I better enjoy it.