The Moment

Last time, if you'd ask me, if I were on a boat what would I be doing? I would have said, either not giving a fuck who's with me and enjoy standing RiGht at the edge of that boat letting the wind hit my face. When im satisfied, then i'll get down and chat with the people who are in the boat with me.But now? I feel like just sitting at the bAck of the boat and watch everything shrinks into the horizon. Watch the dock that I departed from get smaller and further until it finally dissapears.Watch yourself isolate from land.

Imagine you used to visit this...wonderful place once a long time ago for a holiday maybe. You loved it for it brought you peace, comfort and serenity. The holidays ends, you leave the beautiful place. You go home and tell everyone how lovEly that place was and said, you would go back there again. Maybe, in a years time, maybe longer? You get back there again. you feel exited. But when you arrive, you realise that it's different. The sAmE place that you once enjoyed yourself, but this time is different. Its still beautiful but its just not the same. Truth is, things change itself EvEryday that we dont even realise it.Major differences dont seem obvious overnight, or even in a week or two. But it sure as hell changes. And altho you tell yourself that, That was the moSt bEAutiful place in the world, That, was before. How ever pretty that place iS to your other friends, it just doesnt make you feel the same anymore. And you cant do a damn thing about it. Except, remember that the place, once gave you a moment you'll never forget and thats what you should treasure.The pAst wouldnt matter as much as it would have, had the place not changed. Because we are all humans, and we wouldnt know how to appreciate something until it's gone.Then we start to think, " is there a way,that we could preserve that one important thing for eternity?"

I saw utopia infront of me once, but I juSt couldnt reach out for it. And I KiLLed myself tyIng to reach it not knowing it was juST a dream. I wanted to feel one more time, what it feels like to feel...the way it made me feel.In my heart, I've given up along time ago.But in my head,piCtures of it just kept floating everywhere. I held on too tightly to a dream that was never meant to me mine.Every beginning, has an ending.It ended, Just that I was too stupid to never stop believing. Coz i wanted nothing more, than to see it again.

The Greatest Fan Of Your Life

Silently within, a smile creeps up my face. A burden I that has been sitting nicely on my shoulders is lifted. It didnt matter whether the answers were to my liking or not, I finally got an answer. Altho it wouldnt change neither the past, the present nor the future, after all these times, I can now, rest in pieces. Even if I was to die now, I would die with a smile. Coz my unfinished business....is done. What was in the past, cannot be undone. Whatever apologies, I have accepted, whatever mistakes, I have apologized. If I havent, well, im sorry.

Blinded from false security,words and hopes, i had roam through lies before i get to the blurry truth.A lesson well learnt through time.It was a beautiful deck of cards. Maybe I didnt put in effort to play it, maybe someone else had a better deck.But i know, if im dealt the same deck of cards again, I will be more careful and play it right.Somethings, altho started a long time ago, it was never different.Non of it changed with time. And SomEthinGs, I never knew the reason for changing, and may nEver know.So where does that lead to? Nowhere. I should start pondering on something else, instead of...FumBLing over situations bEyond my comprehension. And im back where I started again. Every beginning has an ending. This is how mine ends. A door that can never really be tightly shut. An unforgettable experience that will only exist in me, and no where else. A time nothing on heaven,earth and hell can ever take it away from me. After this, attemps to shut the closet that once spawned those thoughts will continue, then never again shall i speak of what cannot be undone.

Going to Petaling Street now....

Let It Be

The medical test today was a total waste of my time. Not to mention I had to StaRve myself for the test... Sigh. Anyway, im noRmaL. In other words, im hEAltHY! hehe. Didnt do a blood test tho. I dont know why. Dont ask me. Maybe another day. Mentally? I shall become my own doctor and tell myself I am fine. hEh.. hows that?

hMm...HonEstly...I havent exactly been too happy. Maybe I dont deserve them, or happiness and mE, was never meant to last long. I enjoy myself, enjoy the companion of my friends, enjoy the things i have. But somehow one way or another, someThing will come and take it away from me.I am being RobBEd. Or maybe i just dont know how to appreciate things, to say the least. Why I declare myself, unhappy is something undesired and definitely not of my choosing. Who in their SanE minds wouldnt want happpiness? Of course for those who are petrified of losing it mAy think otherwise. But hey, naturally, everyone wants to be happy, in their own way. I've made a decision. And I WiLL damn right stick to it. A promise is a Promise.

I feel, happiness brings up the best in me. To feel the joy in every laugh and smile makes me a better person.Of course, its easier for other people to tolarate me. =) Maybe, my ultimate happiness is not here. Not in this home, not this place. Maybe its when, im on my own. Someday. =\ Im DreAming....again. To be free. Anyway, i have no idea what am I talking about, or where im heading to. This post, is ultimately....pOintless. Just doing it for the sake of typing. Because....I have nothing else better to do.So...theRe... Another StupID nonsense post talking bout stupid things, because I already know what I should do, and I havE already made a decision, what is there to complain?? but then again, im CHIN.

Glory!

hEy hEy.... Manchester United is GloriouS Once again!! YEA mAn!! woOo HooO. 4-1!! Thats SOME win! Van Nistelrooy got 2, Ronaldo 1 and Scholes magNificent header. Newcastle fought back pretty hard resulting in a vEry interesting game, nOT just because Man Utd won in the end. Its the excitement throughout the EntiRe game. Ahh... SatiSfactIoN. =)

On another note, I got to play some volleyball today. It's been awhile,since the last time i touched the ball. Was pretty frustrated with MyseLf for playing like crAp, but then again, what can i expect after laying off for so long? Nevermind....there's more to come.grEat.Hmm.... Im hungry again. cioWs.

Mind Circus

I should be proud. I wanna go out and celebrate. hahaha.I made it through, 2 days of being....by myself.*claps to self*.Furthermore, I made an effort to face a certain reality that I stupidly didnt want to face last time, and, I wasnt disturbed. Went for a nice casual drive on roads I dont remember taking. WhiPped out a ciggie and started singing to my blasting music.I couldnt care if any Sons of bitches were looking at me.Then a few wrong songs and I could feel somethings coming over me. I wasnt gonna let it get me.I complimented......myself for doing well so far.Went home and I had my very nice HWM magazine in front of me,GrEAt! And then proceed to TRY and fix the GoD DAmn DVD-ROM. the power supply cable STILL wouldnt budge. I GivE up. Now, im completely....finE blogging bout my...."achievements". For some funny reason, im happy.Hungry, but happy.

Thank you....to Sasha and Flabby.I guess in someways, this was the first time, im actually glad I opened up. May not be my favorite topic, in fact it's Not, but I realized, im no superman. Certain things, just cant be settled on my own. If I can survive the times when I have nothing better to do, when college starts, I should be fine. Since I wouLd be occupied with LoaDs of work. I can only Hope for the best. This is something I would give it my ALL to fix it, because I had EnouGh. Enough of all the LieS, deceit and false hope. I go around saying I hate LiaRs, but yet, Its IN me. Talk about sleeping with the enemy huh? Anyway.....hungRy... bye bye

You And I, Collide

I need to be occupied. New discovery or stupidity? Or maybe im just too lazy for my own good. I need to get away from feeling preoccupied. Its like you travel back and forth, in and out of your head and you wonder, are you ever gonna go in there for one last time and never come out of it? You know how MoSt people never realised what they're doing until someone tells it to them or by some chance, an incident makes them realise something,then they start to change. The funny thing is I know what im doing.I know whats goin on.But.....i dont seem capable of changing a damn thing.I can tell, whats wrong here, or there or whats missing. But i cant do anything bout it. It gives you the kinda feeling that, you're too darn weak to even fight with yourself. Makes you wonder as well, who's stronger? YOu or the inner you?

How can you throw someone outta your life after all the times they were by your side? How can you lose someone that you confide to?Someone that understands EvErything bout you.Someone that makes everything else go away. Someone you go to, to seek solace. All the good things seem to be there. Everything else outside is so ugly, you have only one place to go, where everything is beautiful.

"cause if I'm losing you,
to whom will I confide,
and who will hear my cries
and if I'm losing you then will you see me through
through the day through the night
though you're gone will you stay by my side"

But, it's always the moSt Beautiful, the ones that catches your attention at first are the ones that kills you in the end. Looks, can be deceiving. Aint it right?And if I have to live, then why is that my biggest fear.I can only get up and wipe my own tears away. Coz nothing that beautiful, is ever real.

I dont have anything. It's not mine. I never had it and will never have it.Take it all away.

Dumbfounded

omFg......Manchester just lost 2-0 to Norwich. im DumBfounded.....Thats by far... the moSt embarrasing game EvEr played... @#~@#~!@# wat the helll!??!?!?!...grrr....

Nowhere Far From Under

Just came back from Low Yat. A place where i find...partial happiness and partial dissapointment.Ahaha.Finally collected my MMC and helped Jace alil with building a comp. Since wants a new comp, and DoEsnt really mind whatever the price is.I gave her everything that i wanted. Meaning to say, im suggesting to her my Dream comp. Allowing her to have all the parts that i want but cant have. Sounds Sad huh? But i made her budget for the comp Shot up till 5k plus.Hopefully when she gets it, she would be satisfied with my recommendations. or i will kiLL her, and rob her of her hot stuff. Come to think bout it, im getting jEalouS! Thats the heartbreak I get after my every trip to Low Yat. Actually, my comp's still fine, except that it's InfestEd with ADware...DAmit. Im too lazy to do any darn thing bout it anyway,so whats to complain?

If there's ever a time, when the remedy starts to poison you instead, it's now. If there's no medication on earth that can heal you, what can you do? What if 2 is a crowd?

When Imagination And Reality Meets

Sent my mum a birthday wish just b4 i went to sleep last night...at bout 3.30. Woke up this morning around 9 something. I had a message. Mum's reply...

"Thank u girl, I wish u happiness too.Do not harp on unhappy things.always think positive n u will feel happier Love u always"
-mum

I read the message twice. Read the last line again.......and tears flow, in the morning glory.Someone loves me...I see it now. And Im slowly giving up my fight for Aussie.I feel bad.

Blithely

Had a different day today. Probably because im not in one of those mOood to BitCh about anything.Woke up at 12p.m... got ready for a movie with Jon in BU. Seemed like forever since the last time i went there. The goD damn 2 bucks parking has now extended its space. So now... almost Half the 3rd floor parking is 2 bucks...hmm...Oh well...we watched Hitch anyway.[sorry Yaa..was supposed to watch with u..] Went to pyramid after that, coz Jon wanted to get something for...someone.Since i was in Sunway anyway, thought i would drop by and visit Flabby,since i said, i would.Good time to keep my promise as well.Thought it would also be nice if i brought her something else other than my eediotic presence.

Okay... here's where the part gets StupID.Got the stuff,get into car..bla bla bla,got stuck in traffic...ok.Finally REAChEd Sunway college.I was thinking i'd park outside, at the side gate since im an Alien and might not be allowed inside the college.ok fine.i took tHaT corneR and saw that PIg standing outside having a puFf...in my head, i was like "FuCK...WAt thE hELL??? spoil plan". GRrr...fine then.No more suprise.EVerytime i try to make a suprise for that pig, always tEr-kanToi.BoLLocks.Oh well, fine then. Lepak till bout 8 something,then came back...for my TV show.ahaha.Ahh...feels good to do something different, rather than wake up at...lunch time and stonE till night.and then repeat the whole damn process the next day. As if it never gets enough.At least, for ToDay, my life was alil more meaningful than usual.

This is a very....DrAstic contradiction, compared to the last post eh? Glad it turned out this way.Tho im still not over that incident,i am officially CALM after my visit to Flabby's hse... at the moSt....unusual hours. =) oh..... HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM.....

I miss my MMC card....who is free to teman me to Low Yat??? =\

Fuming

I havent want to MuRdER Anyone in a long time. The last time i actually Hit SomEone, i didnt know what the fuck i was doin.I felt bad for that incident because i didnt intent to hit him if i had knew what i was doing.Secondly, we were about the same size.After that,I Controlled myself so that i would never have to WhacK the FUCK out of anyone again.I controlled because i am not a violent person.I believe i am not.But when a big sized MoTHEr FUckEr starts picking on me.I should have NEVER backed down.NEVER.FORgEt all the times i've told myself to let it go. Im NEVER letting things go again. Not so easily.You FUCk around with mE, I'll KILL you!!! You BLACK DOGFaCE mOtHEr FUcking SOn of a BiTCh JACKASS!!!!

The one FUCKING thing i'll REGRET more than anything WAs bAcking off today.I was MoCKEd in PUBLIC in the middle of the STREETS mAxiMUm. WHO THE FUCK Do u think YOu are GoD DAmit?Low life piEce of SHIT.I swear, if i were to see him again, ANYWHERe, ANYTImE. I'll get my Revenge.Just wait.Even if it means, bringing the case to the cops. FUCK it.BAstard made me feel like trAsh, i cant take it out AnywheRe or on ANyone, i took it out on a TREE!!! A FUCKing TREE!! MOTHER FUCKER!!!! I hope he's EnjoYing this. Well, EnJOY it for all the fuck you want asshole.If i see him again, There wont be so much Fun ScreAming at Me JERK.I'll be laughing while buSting hiS ass in return! ARGhhHh!!!!!!!!!! To hELL! mother Fucker.

You all think im mAD? Go AheAD.Think whaTever the FuCk you want. Because you have nothing but your imagination to picture how fuCking piSsEd i am. Why? because you are not ME. so DonT QueStion my pAtience. Even if i dont have it.

The Clincher

Havent stepped outta the house the whole day today. Havent seen anyone besides blood related people.Am i turning lifeless or what? haha... probably a good practice for me, to learn how to live on my own.Even if it means not having to go out anywhere because im in a foreign land with foreign people.See... i wont die because i dont have anyone near me. Aight, im done crapping for the night. Since i cant connect to a damn thing and talk to anyone, i'll just talk to my blog.How interesting.Hey, did i mention that my house today, was goin through some kinda bug infestation. DarN bugs were irritating the hell outta me. Sorry for those i managed to get a hold of. they're wingless now and they cant Bug me no more.NYehehehe...Im in one of my....EviL mood. Oh what the hell...?

BArGHhHh...!!!! MSN is such a bitCh.The internet connection tonite SuCkS dick as well. Im surprised i could even get to blog this.LoL.Of All the days that im home at night, the internet piSses me off. gRrRrr.This....is giving me an excuse to hop on the roof to smoke. And....thats what i'll do. =GooD nite y'all

Ghetto Heaven

These are the pictures from the Thursday ice-cream day and Ghetto Heaven. Too bad i didnt have my cam with me on Sat's Zouk. So... no picts.


the MadnEss of Lap Sap


Looking at UgLy


i spilled ice cream on mE pants...=

the MAkE up session....*tsk tsk*


Ghetto Heaven

Faulty By Nature

Havent had much to say since i started arguing with my parents bout leaving. Its things like these that makes me get outta the house more often. True enough, i did. I've been stoning so much at home doing NotHInG except getting mEssEd up.Thursday,31st, i got my break. Had earlier planned with the SouND System to go Ghetto Heaven. Since it was a 31st, BasKin robbins is having that usual every 31st with discounts.So, we dropped by Baskin Robbins in DU just before goin to Zouk.I was supposed to share the ice cream with them, but i ended up WhaCKing the whole damn pine myself.Insane.Of course, i wanted to puke after that.Okay.Zouk.hEy, i made it in, for free. hehe...aight for those who dont get my drift, Ghetto Heaven is free for ladies anytime before 12.so...*blink blink* i passed.Aight, again for those who dont see what i mean, i DO have a lil trouble getting into laDiEs area although yes, im stickless.

Ghetto Heaven.music was alright.I enjoyed it, at the beginning.After awhile, the crowd started coming in, and the dance floor was JAm pAckEd. Then it started piSsing me off. Lost my mood. I jumped up the podium and was nicely dancing there till this bouncer came and threw me off. because......podium was for ladies only.grRR.Then, i started missing the past. I missed Nouvo. Then i lost all moods. Went outside and chill the rest was satisfied, then we left.

Now, i just came back from Zouk, agAin.Yes, from someone who hasnt been to Zouk,i ended up goin there twice in 2days.Insane.I enjoyed myself more today. Simply because, there was booze, so i didnt have to DiE of dehydration and the crowd didint piss me off. Plus i also had Flabby. Words cant express how i miss that monkey. It seemed like centuries ago, since the last i saw her. oh well...Im glad to see you smile, you know.Im happy for you, you know that?

So, there we go.Another Non-exiting post, about a non-exiting week from the chubby.That, marks the ending of the week,fun and entertainment for the chubby.I shall now return to my loyal computer screen with that same somber mood, because...all the fun is gone. Time to return to fighting mood too.Im at war.Fighting for freedom and sanity. I am not gonna fall again. What didnt kill me last time, ShoulD have made me stronger. I will not succumb to it.*shakes head*

By the way, has anyone ever sent your DAD a [6k] email? am i crazy yet? mAybe.heh.....

Squawk

I just cant understand people. What kinda FucKErs would rather live here lavishly rather than to slog aLIL bit for my future? Is it TOO much to ask for?Im just wondering How much satisfaction They get by watching me feel disappointed. They just cant understand what it feels like to be denied the one thing I want so much. How can i explain wHY i want to go so badly? I just want to go!!!! StupiD questions. Im gonna go MAD!!!!!! They say im stubborn. What bout tHEm?!?!?!?!? ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!They think I want to go so badly because i hate them... WhaT thE FUCK!?!?! I WILL hate them if they dont let me go.I cant fucking scream with her sitting downstairs in the hall...I cant bang the doors, i cant do jackshit to vent out this frustration except sit here and tremble.I will live 10 years shorter if this continues. I just cant understand why.......

This is unmerciful.....

Running Out Of Air

I havent felt tHIs low, this worthless and emotionally diSturbEd in...a long time. Im sitting here, scrEamIng at the top of my lungs,but no one hears me.I can sit down and literally kILL my eyes but yet not able to pin point whats is it, thats killing me. Yes, I do know a few. Probably the combination of it all is the lethal injection. If this dont end, then so help me God, I will rip myself apart. I swear, at this moment, I really need to go. I really need to leave at the earliest possible time. Start a new life, in a new place, new environment. I need it. I want it. I never wanted to be away any more than this. I know I have things that I may possibly nevEr leave behind, but hey, everyone's gotta start SomEwhere.And if I dont begin soon, I will cause my own deaTh. I am literally ashamed of myself at this point, for being the way I am. It's like being filthy. In a group of happy people, your face is sour. just like in a bundle of clean clothes, lies one dirty sock.

I do realize that I always end up in situations whereby I have no idea how I got in, and how im gonna get out. I dont know what im trying to get to here. All I know, is that im ranting like some ass bout NothinG. And ALL I rEaLLy want, is to get out, get away and start freSh. Why cant I get that? I have never really gotten what I truly wanted. I just want thiS.I just want to go. I just dont feel that I can stay here. Staying here, is scaring even mySelf. Here, I can begin weeping and whACking the walls for no apparent reason. I need to go. I KnOW it will make a differenceIf this is paying back for all the wrong i've done. Well Shit, I must have done some really ShittiFiEd things in the past. Have I not paid enough? When's my Light at the end of the tunnel ever coming? When can I ever fly away and be free of my emotions?There are so many questions that i could ask, but they all will forever remain, unanswered. Should it ever be answered, I shall surely rest in peace. Let me go.......let me have the freedom to walk around without having a second skin over my face.Im tired.

Jackshit

Words are the WoRSt bullshit ever.Words makes you look Soo FUcking angelic and nice and sweet and convincing...caring all that jAckshit.everything. But HOW true are they?Why cant anyone LISTEN to the things they're fucking saying outta their mouths before telling them. There at one point im being encouraged. Said i could do Anything i wanted to, no matter the coSt oR how far. BoLLocks.Now? You Fuckers once choose to build my dreams up high and now choose to destroy them? Lies, Sweet liEs.If only i was capable of earning my OWN money, i Swear, TO HELL with all of you. Makes me SICK.Underestimated...? THATS your pathetic reason you give me? FUCK you man. Dont you have any other better reasons than that? Spend la spend. Spend all your god damn money on Crap stuff for house DECORATIONS?? batch after batch of FISHES? your crates and crates of WINE. And you claim MY LIFESTYLE is expensive.HAvent I had enough of the SHIT from all the things YOU've done? so much that even my future has to be compromised?You're one HELL of a bastard man.If you had SpAred your DICK from being so GOD damn itChy, EVEryonE would have been better off now, wont we?

FUCK you man, Fuck you to hell. I cannot even bEGin to imagine how fucking much you make me SICK, OLD FOOL. Im surprised i didnt KILL You. Both of you.

Pit Party

Captain Chubby reporting in. Yesterday, at approximately 2230hours we arrived at the foot of the K.L Tower. Hid our vehicle at an opposite building car park. We were required to hike uphill which was unexpected to me. We nearly diEd before the battle begin.Sweet sounds of music could be heard while hiking which gave us more encouragement and also made our journey much more pleasent.Soon enough, beautiful lights could be seen as well.It look as though we were about to enter another dimension.Finally reached the peak. Excitement rushes through. However, there seemed to be some difficulties. Cameras werent allowed in the arena, bags and body checks were performed.So were the IDs of course.A wave of panic hit me hard, I was worried about my cam. A brilliant/crazy idea strucked. So, HoW i got it in....hehe, now that's my secret.I had to.Passed the ID check, Passed the bags check.Suddenly i saw something that I wasnt prepared for. Metal Detector.I freaked.Finally,trying to ignore the possibility of COmpletely HUmiliating myself, I went for it.Passed.[phew...]

Made our way to the arena. Prodigy started performing.I like a few of Prodigy's songs, so it was pretty finE for me,but for my other trooper,it wasnt going too well.She looked like she missed home too much.At about 0015hours,the waves of Prodigy subsided.A short break was given and then the nExt wave hit again.This time, DJ Goldfish.I was losing it.It reminded me of my previous battle,Zoukfest.It lasted near an hour,then DJ T-Bone stepped up.Shot us with some nice beats.I could almost see Light coming outta my trooper's face."Its trance",she said, and then started shuffling.I followed.There were somE....mind boggling scenes about this one weird guy that stunned me for a moment before returning to my normal self.Unfortunately, the rain started.We continued despite the rain, until at bout 0200hours,the rain was too heavy to allow any continuation.The battle ended.Everyone rushed inside for cover.We took the opportunity to capture the moments and then left and headed to replenish ourselves. We left for home at about 0415hours.

PIT PARTY 2005

b4 the rain


still nice and dry




wet and sticky and cold


Party PooPEd






fatty

The Others

me n Smalls at dinner


Same Smalls, different Day...hahah


smalls is missing...actually shes SomEwhere..lOok harder..lOooOook[too small Huh? mayb if you liStEn,you might find her]


ppl who never fail to amuse cameras

CANDID SHOTS


hEy...WhAts jocey doin..??[lets play charades]


is that cheek bEngKAk? or what?? ahahaha


HUh???


Fiq...fiq...*shakes head*


This should be under "the hair" or "the face" ?? =p


AUNTIE~~~!!!


SmaLLs has SexaY eyes...ahahaha


iyliA.....o.O

Random

I've found something intersting today...hehe...some simple things that many of us would never think about...

How Do Houseflies Manage To Land On The Ceiling Upside Down

Think about this one...When the fly is heading for the ceiling, it's flying right side up. When it lands on the ceiling it is upside down. At some point along the way it has to flip over. But when? And Where? And How?

Scientists dispelled the prevalent theory, that the fly performed a fighter pilot-like barrel roll just prior to landing, by capturing this momentous event on film.
Freeze frames, from the high-speed cameras scientists used, proved that flies do not flip, but flop, as they land upon the ceiling. Prior to impact, the fly extends its forward legs over its head, makes contact, and uses the momentum it has gathered in flight to hoist the remainder of its body to the ceiling. Thus, the fly proves to be more of an acrobat, than of a fighter pilot practicing his maneuvers.

Once the fly reunites all six feet on the ceiling, it keeps things dizzingly exciting, by gracefully tiptoing across the ceiling, securing itself by using sticky pads found under the two claws attached to each of its feet. It is because of these sticky pads and the hairs on the legs that the fly is such a carrier of disease germs.

And Another...

Aristotle, Sir Isaac Newton, Moses, and Charles Darwin had a problem expressing themselves because they stuttered.

ehehe...noW you know too. =) Good byE...*Runs off to scout for food*