It's Not Over

There's never really a time that I can hide from myself when I'm high. Seriously... alcohol takes away the control I have over myself. Maybe I should refrain from intoxication... but then again, it takes away my pain. I dont want to remember. I dont want to know. I've built a life specifically to ignore what I knew... or whatever. The past is not meant for me. What is done is done. I tell myself that I dont want to know. It wouldnt change anything now even if I knew. Ok..maybe somethings might. But I shouldnt know.because Ignorant is bliss. But I cant help it sometimes. At times liike these. I cant take knowing half and not knowing half. I need a reason for everything. Solely because I believe that everything happens for a reason. So I need to know. I just simply cant rest in Peace. Aight.. I know I'm mumbling some shit that most just wouldnt understand. I think if I read the whole passage through, I wouldnt undersytand it myself. I think im making some pretty stupid spelling mistakes. But im not giving a damn. I just wanna spill out some stuff even though it doesnt make any sense. I'm not stupid ok..? dont make me stupid. The only reason that I'm stupid is because I give in without thinking or asking why. I give because I feel I love them enough to not question. Maybe I'm not doin it right.

People say, I should take the past as a lesson and learn from it. I think back and I think hard.....I want to learn from my mistakes, but where did I go wrong? was I wrong for loving someone too much? Was I wrong for giving in? Was I wrong for doing everything I could? I dont mean to sound like I'm some SAINT or someshit... but seriously...where have I gone wrong? Maybe for not being able to look pass someone's lies.....pardon me for not being paranoid enough. I trusted people. The day my innocence was robbed from me, I realised... nothing good ever comes back in return for being too nice. In fact, its only used by others. So take your time to think about what you're doing. Do you think its worth giving someone your trust,time, energy and effort not knowing what they will do to you in return? Is everything just for the sake of themselves? or for vengeance? I'm thinking hard myself as I may just do something that fall into the same category. All thats in between is my compassion. I dont have the kind of heart to do someone like that. I love you too much to even fucking hate you god damit. Tell me if I should hang myself. Its been so long. I've done everything I could do...why isnt it enough?

I have so much to give.. so much inside of me that has gone unspoken. Its just looking for someone to share those things with. But I know...there are a million people in this world who does not deserve even a single bit of shit I could offer because they just cant appreciate any damn thing. I hope not even your GOD can save you,scumbag. Confess and repent all your life... you will still not get any forgiveness from me. Fat hopes, bitch. As for the rest, I hope you enjoy living your selfish lil life now as much as possible. When I'm able, I'll make you wish that you had a time machine to go back in the past n kiss my feet while begging for apologies. Burn in hell, you lifeless fuckheads. You can kiss my ass for a living and I'd be laughing thinking about all the things I could possibly do to you, and begging me would be your only vocabulary. But.. I have to thank all of you. If it wasnt for your splendid effort, I wouldnt have opened my eyes to see the way of life. The way where innocence is not a way to live life. Thanks alot.... shit piss fuck cunt cock sucker mother fucker. Fuck off....